REVIEW - God of War: Ascension | PS3 | 2013

GENRE(S): Action
RELEASED: March 12, 2013
AVAILABLE ON: PS3
DEVELOPER(S): SCE Santa Monica Studio
PUBLISHER(S): Sony Computer Entertainment

When David Jaffe created God of War, he expected a good game for a good purpose. Years later, the whole of the God of War trilogy is hailed as three of the finest video games of these last couple of generations, if not of all time. The ending of God of War III left very little hope for the arrival of a fourth major installment in the series, but in 2012, God of War: Ascension was announced, with former designer Todd Papy in the creative helm. Kratos returns to us fans that have missed him so, but we have to face reality: this is a prequel to everything truly epic he has ever done, which is... well, just about everything. God of War: Ascension is definitely Kratos' longest journey, but his most ambitious one? Not by a long shot. God of War: Ascension is almost exactly what I expected from it - a good game that definitely meets the standards of an entertaining God of War installment as far as gameplay goes, but lacks a good story, and a potentially earth-shattering poetic climax to go for. And, Kratos himself isn't quite what he used to be... or was to become.

Fury of the Furies

STARRING
T.C. Carson : Kratos
Troy Baker : Orkos
Jennifer Hale : Alecto / Lysandra
Nika Futterman : Megaera
Debi Mae West : Tisiphone
Adrienne Barbeau : Aletheia
David W. Collins : Castor
Brad Grusnick : Pollux
Robin Atkin Downes : Scribe of Hecatonchires
Linda Hunt : Narrator

Breaking a blood oath to a god leaves one, man or titan, any being below a god, at the mercy of the three Furies, the guardians of honour. The choices for a traitor are to continue a life of servitude under the oath, or be condemned to eternal torture. Kratos is about to learn of the Furies' hospitality first hand when he severs his ties with Ares due to the god of war luring him into killing his family. Encouraged by Orkos, the runaway son of the Furies, Kratos sets out to face his captors instead of hiding from them, to truly break free of his bond.

When he's pissed, he's pissed. Pissing him
off takes a little more effort now, though.

The storyboard designers really needed to dig deep when they started making this game. The body count in the previous God of War games included just about every figure in Greek mythology you've ever heard of; now they were making a game with no gods, no titans (except for one, who we see, shall we say extremely close up), just a few cameos by some guys and gals you might find on Wikipedia, but probably had no knowledge of before this game arrived to educate. That does an immediate number on the game, without a shadow of a doubt, right off the bat. In God of War, you were a servant of Olympus, going against Ares. In God of War II, you took on none other than Zeus, and in God of War III, not only did you face Zeus again, but the whole cavalcade of who's who on Olympus, plus a few titans to boot, plus Hercules. Hell, even in the handheld games you faced off against Morpheus (albeit indirectly), Charon, Persephone, and Thanatos. Now you face off against three relative unknowns from the less promoted side of Greek mythology, who resemble the three Sisters of Fate from God of War II a bit too much. Not enough to make the same impact as clashing against those three, though. Having a subpar cast to stand in for the ensembles of the past doesn't spell an end for my interest in the story. What does, is the regression of Kratos' personality.

This version of Kratos does not have constant visions or nightmares, apart from the illusions wrought by the Furies - he's quite sane. Just a very, very sad and lost individual. During the 10+ hours it takes to beat the game, his sins are hardly mentioned or their consequences exploited - if this was your first time with the franchise, all you would know was that something horrible happened and you're out to break free of Ares' hold. There are no innocents to be abused here to get to your goal, with the exception of a few corpses to disgrace, and Kratos even makes a true friend over the course of the game, someone who he first perceives as an enemy - we all know that in the future, this guy wouldn't have lived for five seconds to explain himself. Some might say this is a refreshing take on the biggest bad-ass there ever was for us to control, but the Kratos I knew was a raving lunatic, an impulsive, merciless and excessively violent psychopath with zero tolerance, and extreme love/hate relationship with himself. I loved him the way he was, and everything about 'im. All that's left to love about him here is the way he moves, and his resourcefulness. He still knows how to work his way around puzzles, and he still knows how to inflict some serious pain. The moment you see Kratos stabbing someone with their own spine, is the moment you know you're going to enjoy this game, be the God of War experience (trademark sign here) as disappointing as it may.

We get a small glimpse of Ares in multiplayer
training, and he looks better than ever.

Although the game looks nice, one can't help but feel a little chill, as if the game didn't look much better than God of War III, released three years ago - and that chill has a point. The more cinematic battles and other dynamic sequences of the sort are directed a little better, but all in all, as much as they try, they don't have much left in terms of consistency and making progress. Every major game in the series has been out to outdo the previous one, starting with an epic, excessively flashy intro sequence that will immediately take your breath away, in both audiovisuals and gameplay. God of War: Ascension doesn't have that, and it lacks climaxes altogether; there are a few that were probably meant to nail your jaw to the floor, but they might've forgot they've already pitted us against a titan with minimal resources in one of the greatest boss fights ever, and started up that very same game by having us confront the god of the oceans while we were navigating the body of another titan. OK, you're in for an epic surprise once the intro sequence ends, but it's not such a surprise if you paid enough attention to the opening cutscene that tells the legend of the first to break a blood oath.

The music by Tyler Bates (whose impressive credentials include the movie 300 and the video game Rise of the Argonauts) is phenomenal, and all special editions of the game come with the digital soundtrack for one to enjoy - and listen to for buffing purposes while writing a long-ass review (...what?). Many tunes from the previous games re-emerge, some of them remixed to set the game even further apart from the rest of the series, but to great results. The voice acting's good (albeit rare), it's just too bad we're not interested in how the characters are portrayed, sadly but truly including Kratos himself. What's an amusing little novelty is that you can choose to switch the game's spoken language to Greek for atmosphere, right off the bat, just like in Ninja Gaiden II in which you were given easy access to change the spoken language to Japanese.

If you've played any God of War game before, you know the drill. You're to kill a lot of folk, solve puzzles, gather key items from fallen foes to solve some more puzzles, and perhaps to kill some more folk. Throw in some impressive set pieces with violent scenes that keep your stomach in constant rotation - with the QTE's once again placed smart so you won't miss any of Kratos' crazy antics - and you've got yourself a God of War. There are a few changes to the details, though.

Do not deny me my audience.

First of all, mana use is restricted to four outbreaks of whatever godly power you choose to use, at max. It's kind of a return to the roots of the franchise - during your travels, you find wall carvings of the gods, with an altar in the front, and upon interacting with that altar, you gain an elemental power associated with the god, the Lightning of Zeus serving as an obvious example. There's a regular magic attack tied to this power, in this case a lightning shield to give you some personal space you oh, so often need, as well as a Rage attack. God of War ripped a page off Castlevania's playbook for a change - instead of having Rage for a constant godmode that lasts as long as the meter has spunk left, Rage can only be triggered for one single powerful magic attack once the meter is full, and if you take any damage, the meter goes down, just like Focus in Lords of Shadow.

Secondary weapons are not scripted or permanent, they can be picked up and discarded from your inventory at any time - the most usual way to gain them is to swipe them off enemies. Besides physical attacks with your bare fists or feet, there really isn't anything new to Kratos' basic combat abilities, nor are there many new types of enemies - it's pretty much a random collection of the past, with not even that much of new kill animations to boot. The least they could do was to tie in a special kill animation for each secondary weapon. It's funny, that while God of War: Ascension feels really detached from the series in just about every possible way, it also feels like it's the exact same old... I can't really say if it's a good or a bad thing anymore.

Telling you everything about Kratos' tools would summon spoilers into the mix, but since it's thoroughly described in the game's manual, I guess I could tell you about the Amulet of Uroborus, which is this game's time-bending tool in the vein of the Amulet of the Fates in God of War II. With this trinket, you can reassemble or disassemble the environment in a quite flashy, innovative way. You can even stop time in the middle of de/reconstruction, to create platforms to climb from the rubble. If this Amulet could be used in every single spot in the game, Kratos' journey would be over quickly as there would be no obstacles anywhere - they don't even offer us a good explanation as to why it couldn't be used, while in God of War II, the Amulet of the Fates only worked under the gaze of a Fate statue. So yeah, it's a bit on the side of random dumbness, and this was a crappy explanation, I know, but it's still a cool little trinket, which is there to prove not all imagination was lost when they started making this game.

Some ancient church tower or a huge f'n
snake? This is God of War - take a guess.

On to the final subject of the single-player campaign, and the subject of the worst criticism the game has had so far - criticism so overwhelming that Santa Monica has agreed to work around it with a patch. That is the game's difficulty level. The game WILL prove extremely easy for a God of War veteran... BUT, in the very last chapters, actually just before the final puzzle and boss fight, a certain sequence suddenly spikes through the roof when it comes to challenge. The game's usually very generous autosave system and power-up dropouts are thrown straight out the window, and what follows is 10 to 15 minutes of the worst (and most confusing) carnage perhaps ever seen in God of War - worse than the hallway leading to Pandora's Box, worse than the final round trip to the Loom Chamber, worse than trying to keep the chains holding up the cubes in the Labyrinth intact, worse than the final battle with Zeus. That bad. I survived on about the 13th try - actually the second half of the battle is easier than the first one - and you could say I'm not that eager for a patch anymore, but let's face it. Spiking the difficulty level of the game that suddenly and mercilessly is a sign of bad judgement on the developers' behalf. It almost frustrated me to the point of not wanting to complete the game, and that has never happened with God of War games, ever, despite some sequences that have not only wrecked my brain, but also, my controller's integrity.

Even with all the facts well known, starting with the one that they've simply done it ALL, one could interpret the game's lackluster story as the developers' increased interest to invest in multiplayer. As is well known, I'm not that much of an enthusiast when it comes to online playing, but in this game's case, I had to make an exception - I just HAD to see how God of War, a franchise pretty much built around the concept of "one man", translates to a multiplayer game. It first hits you as kind of like a role-playing experience. Too bad you can't customize your character at all when it comes to his physical appearance, but you can equip your character with all sorts of armour and weapons, gained through experience points and via DLC. The multiplayer experience starts with a blood oath to a god of your choosing - all of the four gods (Ares, Zeus, Poseidon and Hades) have different classes to offer to your character. It all seems pretty cool... until you get to the game, that is. It might be fun in very small doses, especially since there are some classic sceneries to be viewed there in the multiplayer room - including the Desert of Lost Souls - but regardless of your class or even the multiplayer mode, the only thing you can do to survive the mayhem is mash buttons 'til your brains fall out. There's no room for trial, only error, if you want to go for a more advanced, fruitful, and diverse experience. If I wasn't a fan to the core, I'd say God of War goes to waste in multiplayer, and vice versa.

That's got to be somewhat unpleasant.

Although multiplayer was a huge investment over the single-player campaign, it does very little to affect the Trophies of the game, something that I'm thankful for. Actually, there's only one Trophy directly tied to multiplayer, and it's effortless to get. The rest... well, there's no challenge room in the game, so you won't be bothered by a high-level Trophy that seems impossible to get, but there are some extremely hard ones we might or might not have seen in the previous games, like being able to perform a 1000 hit combo, or being able to sustain the Rage meter at the very top for over two minutes. Overall, God of War: Ascension might be the easiest God of War game to plat, if you happen to be in luck and overcome those two obstacles on your way to the shiny-shiny.

God of War: Ascension is a satisfying action-adventure. ...Yet, this is not what I expected to say about any piece of this here franchise back when I first played the original game, moreover when I first got my grubby little hands on its masterpiece of a first sequel, or when I headed into putting an end to both parties involved in round two of the Great War. It's got fantastic gameplay on its side, perhaps the best overall controls and control scheme in the whole series, but in turn, crummy character and storyboard design, an ambitious but ultimately stale multiplayer, and several small inconsistencies which disturb the balance all the way and finally end up severing the game from the rest of the franchise.

UPS
+ Fantastic music and increasingly satisfying cinematics (nothing too "epic" in the usual sense of the word, though)
+ Great gameplay; satisfying combat, grisly kills, smart use of QTE's, innovative combined use of mana and Rage
+ There's not one lousy secondary weapon forced upon you like in all previous games
+ Innovative key items
+ Still great puzzles, downside to which mentioned below

DOWNS
- General randomness in almost every element, most of all level design
- The combat sequences can get really confusing with the cinematics occasionally skyrocketing a little too over the top
- The story is way below the usual par, including Kratos' stake in it; all of it results in a severe detachment from the God of War franchise
- It's way easy, counting out the huge 10-15 minute difficulty spike in the end, which is a flaw in itself
- The gameplay tutorials will either drive you crazy with their appearances in every turn (accompanied by a sound effect), spilling the most important beans to everything you might want to figure out yourself, especially in the case of puzzles, or don't show up at all - your choice
- The much promoted multiplayer's a disappointment

< 8.1 >

God of War: Countdown to Ascension

This year is packed to the brim with what I consider big releases, but most of them are games I'm not rushing to pre-order. God of War: Ascension is not one of those latter types of games; I always knew I was going to experience this game fresh out of the oven one way or the other. I've followed God of War from the very beginning, back when the arrival of the very first classic-to-be for the PlayStation 2 was announced in 2004. The game saw release on March 22nd, 2005, and since that day, I've been a God of War fan to my very core. Hard to believe it's been that damn long.

My final conclusion to how the game is, is still a bit off, since I still haven't finished it, although I reclaimed my copy of the Special Edition on Wednesday - a day or two has usually been quite enough time for me to finish the game, sometimes even twice, when it comes to my favourite non-RPG franchises such as this one. I can tell you what I felt heading into the game, though. Some of these feelings and expectations have stuck with me ever since the game was announced to the day it was released - I'm not yet ready to tell you how the truth turned out, but I guess I could go over some of my more obvious expectations on that initial level.

God of War: Ascension is another prequel, actually a prequel to the whole series. A prequel to a series which began with an impossible task - and by the end of which our anti-hero Kratos had done absolutely EVERYTHING you could ever imagine him doing to shake the foundations of Greek mythology. God of War: Ghost of Sparta - the prequel to God of War II - was consciously a more personal story, somewhat of an origin story for Kratos, and it used up all that was left over from the major trilogy as well as the first prequel in the bunch, God of War: Chains of Olympus. What could they possibly do to outshine the previous games with God of War: Ascension? A game set in a time Kratos was years away from even dreaming of becoming a god slayer, moreover a god himself? All the previous games were packed with mythological cameos who got themselves killed in the hands of this lunatic, so who's left? WHAT'S left? Let's look at God of War's track record. The major trilogy is one of the finest trilogies ever made. Chains of Olympus is one of the greatest handheld games ever made. Ghost of Sparta, now that one was a little tired on the usual scale. A good game, for sure, but storywise, it lacked focus, and there really wasn't that much to go on anymore. It was a fun slasher game, but of the exact standard quality we've come to expect from God of War - not that special. As a game, God of War: Ascension differs a bit from all of its predecessors, from all angles. But, can the story work? Is there anything truly special about the game? How can they possibly call this the most ambitious and epic God of War game ever, when there are no gods and just one titan faintly involved? I'll tell you all I can once I get to the review. Now, let's take a look at Kratos' disgusting deeds from yesteryear. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

THE STORY SO FAR

Kratos is a former general of the Spartan army. In the heat of an epic battle in the past, Kratos swore a blood oath to Ares, the god of war. In return for utterly destroying the barbarian army opposing Kratos' Spartans, Kratos offered his leadership and combat skills, as well as his very soul, for Ares to manipulate and exploit. In Ares' mind, there were two things that prevented Kratos from becoming the perfect mortal warrior: his wife Lysandra, and daughter Calliope. Ares ordered Kratos to burn a village inhabited by worshippers of Ares' rivals on Olympus, and kill any who survived the fire. In blind rage and his simple joy of killing, Kratos slaughtered everyone in the village. When the smoke cleared, he realized that his wife and child were among the brutally murdered. His family's ashes were etched to his skin as a harsh reminder of the great sin he had just committed, and from that day forth, Kratos was known as the Ghost of Sparta.

Persephone is - hands down - the
hottest main antagonist in the God
of War series. Perhaps any series.

God of War: Chains of Olympus (2008) was chronologically the first chapter in Kratos' saga up until the release of God of War: Ascension. Kratos has served the gods of Olympus to rid himself of the nightmares that have haunted him ever since his family's blood fell on his hands. He successfully defends the city of Attica from a Persian invasion, and witnesses as the sun falls from the sky, plunging the world into the darkness of the dream god Morpheus. The fall of the sun can only mean something has happened to Helios, and Kratos proceeds to investigate while even the rest of the gods are falling to Morpheus' spell one by one. He eventually discovers that Helios has been abducted by the titan Atlas.

Atlas, however, turns out to be part of a conspiracy plotted against Olympus and the world by Persephone, Hades' estranged wife and reluctant Queen of the Underworld. After Kratos bests Charon the ferryman to make it to the source of what he believes to be his daughter Calliope's voice, he comes face to face with Persephone. She offers Kratos the chance to be with Calliope, but Kratos soon figures out that if he doesn't stop Persephone, all of the world would be utterly destroyed, including the underworld, which would make his unexpected reunion with his late daughter just the tip of the iceberg of vanity. Kratos abandons his daughter to save the world - and her afterlife - chains Atlas to the Pillar of the World, forcing him to bear the world on his shoulders, and kills Persephone. As Kratos returns to the land of the living in Helios' chariot and the sun suddenly re-emerges, Kratos loses consciousness and is about to crash when he is rescued by Athena at the nick of time.

God of War (2005) began with one of the most shocking cutscenes seen at that time. Kratos, standing on the edge of a cliff, declares that the gods of Olympus have abandoned him, and there is no hope left. Then he plunges into the raging ocean in a very epic suicide attempt.

Three weeks earlier...

The man himself, just as we love to hate him.

Ten years after his servitude began, Athena informs Kratos that not only will he be given a chance at his long-desired redemption, but revenge as well. Ares is systematically destroying the capital city of Athens. Gods cannot wage war against each other - if Kratos would be willing to sacrifice whatever life he has left to challenge Ares to an epic deathmatch of the ages, he would be forgiven for his sins. When it comes to his own wellbeing and the chance to stir up at least some amount of chaos, Kratos is ready for absolutely anything.

After single-handedly taking care of a "little" pest problem on Poseidon's behalf, Kratos sets sail to Athens, where his former master and arch nemesis has already leveled well over a half of the heart of the city. With the help of the city's oracle, Kratos makes his way to the Temple of Pandora planted on the titan Cronos' back, where the only weapon powerful enough to kill a god is housed - which is, the mythical Pandora's Box. After conquering grueling trials set by the gods in collaboration with the temple's late architect, Kratos locates the Box and begins to push it all the way back to Athens, when Ares suddenly catches up to his and the gods' plot, and brutally kills Kratos.

Even death can't keep Kratos down when he's determined enough. He manages to avoid the streams of River Styx, and climbs back up from Hades with Zeus' help. He manages to regain the Box from Ares, and upon opening it, he temporarily grows in size to match that of Ares. Kratos manages to conquer Ares' brute strength and impressive mind games, and finally stabs the god of war through the neck with a sword-shaped bridge.

Eagerly waiting for his prize, Kratos is stunned when Athena tells him that all the gods promised was to forgive his sins, not relieve him of his nightmares. We then cut back to the opening cutscene. As Kratos hits the waves, he is pulled back to the cliff by a godly power. The gates to Olympus open before his eyes as Athena tells him that due to the death of her brother, there is a vacant throne for a new god of war. Although he wishes not to associate with the gods who tricked and betrayed him, Kratos finds himself unable to resist unlimited power and immortality.

God of War: Ghost of Sparta (2010) sees Kratos suffering from new nightmares, which relate to his youth and his younger brother, Deimos, who disappeared as a child. In an effort to unlock his past, Kratos travels to the Temple of Poseidon in the heart of Atlantis. Caring little for Athena's warnings of finding only sorrow on his latest adventure, Kratos seeks out his mother Callisto, who tells him Deimos is still alive and doomed to torture in death's domain. Kratos must travel to death's domain through his home turf of Sparta. Kratos' only path to Sparta is blocked by the city of Atlantis itself and its guardian, Scylla. After an encounter with the titan Thera, Kratos is able to sink Atlantis out of his way. Zeus himself appears - in the guise of a grave digger - and warns Kratos not to mess with the gods in such manner.

Once in Sparta, Kratos' memories re-emerge. During combat training between him and Deimos, Ares and Athena arrived in Sparta to search for a "marked warrior", who was foretold by the oracle to bring the destruction of Olympus. Deimos' strange birthmark across his left eye made the gods believe he was the marked warrior, and so they abducted him and took him to Thanatos. Athena told Ares to spare Kratos, who then went on to get a red tattoo over his left eye in honour of his brother. Enraged with the gods more than ever, Kratos continues his journey, eventually making it back through the sunken Atlantis to Death's Gate.

Deimos professes his hate for the brother who abandoned him and almost kills Kratos before he is recaptured by Thanatos. The god of death drags Deimos to the very same cliff which is Kratos' favourite spot for suicide and drops him off. Kratos saves his brother to earn his respect and gratitude, and the brothers fight Thanatos side by side. Deimos meets his ultimate end rather quick, but Kratos goes on to kill Thanatos, prompting Zeus to remark - perhaps in fear - that he has become death, the destroyer of worlds. Athena begs for Kratos' forgiveness and offers him more godly treats to make up for not telling the truth about Deimos. Kratos returns to his throne on Olympus, promising Athena that the gods would pay for what they've done.

As long as we're speaking of main
antagonists, Zeus is probably the
most epic one ever.

By the opening of God of War II (2007), Kratos has become much worse at his line of work than Ares ever was. He enjoys godhood a little too much, and abuses power the way he sees fit for himself and the "valour" of his beloved Spartan army. Kratos is systematically destroying all of Greece with the exception of Sparta, and before long, his fellow gods have had enough. But, as it was with Ares, there's very little the gods can directly do about this bastard son of theirs. Zeus figures out that Kratos has to be destroyed by his greatest enemy - Kratos himself. He believes that Kratos' greed, violent nature and thirst for more power can quite easily be turned against him... and he's absolutely right.

While Kratos and his army are tearing down the isle of Rhodes, Zeus - disguised as an eagle - drains him of most of his powers and leaves him for dead at the hands of an animated colossus, then telepathically contacts Kratos and tells him that to slay the colossus, he must reach the Blade of Olympus and let the rest of his powers flow into the divine sword. The now mortal Kratos manages to defeat the colossus, but then comes face to face with Zeus, who - the Blade of Olympus in hand - offers Kratos one last chance to pledge his loyalty to the gods. Kratos refuses; Zeus stabs him to death with the sword, and utterly destroys his army.

As Kratos is dragged to the underworld, he is saved by the titan Gaia. Gaia tells Kratos that she raised Zeus, who eventually turned against the titans due to the cruelty of his father Cronos. The titans need Kratos to take Olympus by force, and to do that, Kratos must escape the underworld and seek out the Sisters of Fate, the only beings who can alter time and thus, prevent Kratos' death in the hands of Zeus. Epic encounter after another - with Perseus and Icarus among others - Kratos almost makes it to the Palace of the Fates, but needs Atlas' help to make it over the final threshold. The titan resents him for what he did to him, but after learning of Gaia's mission to reclaim Greece, he helps Kratos to get back on the right track and explains that the Blade of Olympus is the key to defeating Zeus.

Once at the final threshold, Kratos is further angered when he hears that Zeus has went on to destroy Sparta in his absence. Kratos frees a phoenix to make it to the Palace of the Fates. To his dismay, Lahkesis and Atropos do not want anything to do with the fallen god of war, who they believe deserved his fate. Kratos challenges the two sisters to a fight to the death, during which they go as far as to try to alter the outcome of his battle against Ares. Kratos finally manages to kill the sisters and continues on to the third one, Clotho, who controls the Loom of Fate. He uses the gigantic Clotho's very own traps to kill her, and uses the Loom to return to the moment of Zeus' ultimate betrayal.

Kratos takes Zeus by surprise and fights him with the Blade of Olympus. Athena finally intervenes and tells Kratos to stop, for Zeus' death would mean the destruction of Olympus, and ultimately, the end of the world. Kratos cares little for the world in contrast to his personal vendetta, and prepares for the final blow, which he ultimately delivers to Athena, who sacrifices herself for the greater good and to allow the wounded Zeus to escape. In her dying moment, Athena tells Kratos that he is actually Zeus' son, which also makes him a brother to Athena and Ares. By killing Ares, Kratos aroused previously unseen fear in Zeus, fear that Kratos would betray him, just as he betrayed his father Cronos.

With no hope of reaching Zeus from where he is now, Kratos returns to the Loom Chamber and travels back in time to the Great War of gods and titans, fetching the still able titans to his aid to conquer and tear down Olympus. Massive trembling interrupts a meeting between Zeus, his children and brethren in Olympus' great hall. Hitching a ride on Gaia's massive back, Kratos leads the titans up the mountain wall, and tells his father that he brings forth the destruction of Olympus.

There is no doubt that the boss fight against Cronos the
titan is one of my favourite boss fights ever...

God of War III (2010) begins from where the previous game ended. Poseidon, the god of the ocean, who holds a personal grudge against Kratos for sinking Atlantis, volunteers for pest control and attacks Kratos and Gaia. Kratos makes his way across Gaia to reach and reveal Poseidon's true form, and kills him by first beating him to well over half-death, and plucking his eyes out. Poseidon's death causes the oceans to flood. Kratos and Gaia continue their seemingly victorious climb, until they are forced to fall back. Gaia removes some dead weight by betraying Kratos, saying that the "revenge" he has been after for so long was never his, but the revenge of the titans, and that Kratos had never been more than a pawn in the war of gods and titans. As Kratos falls to his death, he reminisces on all he has done, and how his soul would never rest until he gets his revenge.

After taking a dip in the River Styx, the weakened Kratos encounters the spirit of Athena, who surprisingly offers her aid to Kratos, to once again make it back to the land of the living, and tells him of the Flame of Olympus, quelling which would weaken Zeus enough for Kratos to be able to finally kill him. The first step on Kratos' long path to Olympus is to kill Hades, the god of death who now owns his soul. With some reluctant help from the smith god Hephaestus, Kratos is able to make his way to Hades' chamber. Hades recounts Kratos' sins of killing his niece, nephew and finally, his "beloved" wife, before attacking him. Ultimately besting him in the seemingly impossible battle, Kratos releases the souls of the underworld, further capitalizing on the chaos in Greece. Finally back on Olympus, Kratos finds the suffering Gaia and confronts her for her actions against him. Gaia pleads Kratos for forgiveness and tries to convince him to help her once again; in response, Kratos severs her arm, allowing HER to fall to HER death for a change.

Kratos next witnesses an encounter between the titan Perses and Helios, the god of the sun. After taking care of the titan, Kratos crashes Helios' chariot. The dying Helios pleads Kratos to show him mercy, claiming he hasn't forgotten how he somewhat unselfishly saved him from Atlas back in the day, before attempting to blind Kratos with the power of the sun. Kratos rips Helios' head straight off his shoulders, killing the sun god and bringing darkness upon the world. He then uses the power of the sun still within Helios' severed head to make progress.

Kratos finds the Flame of Olympus, but to his surprise, he learns that the Flame is actually only a barrier - a barrier devised to contain Pandora's Box, the very same weapon he used against Ares. Athena appears and tells Kratos that the only key to quelling the flame is Pandora herself, the entity in form of a little girl Kratos has already encountered during his journey a few times, but ignored her, out of his guilt of killing and abandoning his daughter. Hermes, the messenger of the gods, turns up to mock Kratos. After a long chase, Kratos catches up to Hermes and cuts off his legs, gaining the shoes which graced him with his speed. Hermes' death causes plague to fall all over Greece.

...if you don't consider this encounter a boss fight, that is.

Kratos seeks an audience with his "stepmother", the goddess Hera, who has nothing but drunken hatred to offer to Kratos, and for her own entertainment, she arranges a duel between him and her son - Kratos' half-brother Hercules. After a long fight, Kratos is able to trap Hercules under the corrupt floor of the Forum, and repeatedly - literally - punches Hercules in the face until he has no face left. Kratos then encounters Aphrodite, the goddess of love, who reveals to somewhat align herself with Kratos due to his "wonderful assets", and advises him through the Hyperion Gate, back to the underworld, if he wants to find Pandora. Hephaestus is obviously bothered by Kratos appearing out of the Gate that leads to his wife's bedroom, but plays along and offers to build Kratos a new weapon. Out of jealousy and Kratos' pursuit of Hephaestus' beloved daughter Pandora, the smith god attacks Kratos, only to be easily - and brutally - murdered by him. Kratos also does battle with the titan Cronos in Tartarus, gutting him from the inside, before travelling to Hera's puzzling garden to find a way back to the Labyrinth which holds the inventor Daedalus and apparently, Pandora.

Kratos tries his best to just ignore the even more drunken Hera and her insults, but finally comes to a boiling point and puts an end to her, as well as all plant life. He uses Hera's dead body to make it through the gardens and back to the Labyrinth. Upon finding Pandora, Kratos learns that he needs to break the Chain of Balance between the underworld and Olympus, to raise the Labyrinth and help her reach her destiny, the Flame of Olympus. Zeus intervenes and Kratos realizes that Pandora must sacrifice her life to quell the flame, and protests against it for not wanting to see someone he cares for die once again. Kratos is distracted by a brief engagement with Zeus, which gives Pandora the chance to work against Kratos' wishes.

Kratos finds Pandora's Box empty, and attacks the taunting Zeus. Suddenly Gaia appears with intent to kill them both. Kratos and Zeus continue their battle inside Gaia, and Kratos finally manages to stab Zeus against Gaia's heart, apparently killing them both. The spirit of Zeus attacks Kratos and interrupts his great escape, after which Kratos loses consciousness. During a journey through his own disturbed psyche, Kratos comes to with the help of the spirits of his wife and Pandora, and realizes all he ever needed to do was to forgive himself. He beats Zeus to death, plunging the world into complete chaos.

Athena appears, revealing her true intentions when she helped Kratos escape the underworld. With all the gods dead, she could rebuild the world and become its elder goddess. All she needs is whatever it is Kratos found inside Pandora's Box. When Kratos says the Box was empty, Athena realizes that when he opened the Box to fight Ares, he released the evils of the world on the gods, making Zeus insane, and the power of hope - stored in the box by Athena - on himself. Athena then demands Kratos to return that power. Kratos responds by saying his revenge is all that matters, and stabs himself with the Blade of Olympus, releasing hope to the surviving mankind instead of the hands of a god. Angry and disappointed, Athena leaves Kratos for dead and declares that mankind wouldn't know what to do with such a power.

A while later, a trail of blood is shown leading from the abandoned Blade of Olympus to the edge of the suicide bluffs, making a statement that the story ends where it began.

God of War: Ascension tells the story of how Kratos fought the three Furies to break free of his blood oath to Ares, before he became the champion of the gods.

GETTING THE GAME

Like I previously stated, getting God of War: Ascension was a no-brainer, just as much of a no-brainer as the thought that it would probably not be the greatest God of War game ever, but there's a standard to it, a standard met even by my least favourite God of War game 'til now - Ghost of Sparta. I pre-ordered the game back in November when I finally got around to buying God of War III which I had already finished ages ago, and this time I was actually aiming to get the expensive Collector's Edition, but since it was already sold out, I had to settle with "just" the Special Edition of the game, which comes in a stylish metal box with a see-through slipcase that might be even more stylish, the game's epic soundtrack (in a dumb format, though), a few avatars and multiplayer DLC.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAY

I agree with almost everything I've seen written down about God of War: Ascension thus far - if you've read any of the online reviews, I hope I can tell you something new about the game once I get started with the review. Also, I feel a little torn about the conclusive ratings given to the game - they're not exactly what I've had in mind for the last four or five in-game hours. I'm definitely going to see the game to the very end before passing my final judgment, although it seems I'm at the very final threshold of the single-player campaign and have seen just about everything there is to see - a lot of good stuff, a lot of random stuff, but nothing sincerely bad, I can tell you that right now.

WHEN DOES ASCENSION BEGIN?

The only thing I can promise you is that the next review will be of God of War: Ascension. I have a few reviews written already, and one HUGE marathon coming up after them, in the vein of Disney and Star Wars. This was the perfect moment for me to announce it, and I strongly advise all you "true nerds" stay tuned, this is going to be something sincerely awesome and I actually find it disturbing that I haven't thought of it before. With pizza and beer in hand, I sat down to watch a random classic movie from Netflix yesterday when the thought hit me, and it was fucking grand.

First things first, though - back to Ascension. I believe the review could be up as early as tomorrow morning, but depending on today's work schedule and the nature of my tasks, I could be extremely tired by the time I get home, so I can't really promise anything else besides that the review will be up within three, four days. I have one unrelated review that is completely done, and I will publish it simultaneously with the review of Ascension, so don't miss either one of them - this other review is also quite epic, something I've been asked to do for a while. Two or three more games after these, and I'm ready to begin with the marathon I told you about, and once again, sincerely, it might be my favourite marathon of all time - I've done a lot of them, epic ones, so if your curiosity is not piqued, I'm sorry to admit I don't know how to pique it then. :)

Mass Effect 3 DLC Guide

And we did.

It is March 8th, 2013, and today, a year has passed from the once anticipated release of Mass Effect 3 - the conclusion to no less than one of the finest sci-fi stories ever told, and in general, one of the most epic trilogies ever made. Initial response to Mass Effect 3 was extremely mixed, in contrast to the unanimous praise from critics and fans alike to its predecessors Mass Effect (2007) and Mass Effect 2 (2010), games which already differed from each other by a whole lot. With Mass Effect 3, BioWare delivered a tactical shooter with some mild RPG elements, whereas the first game was a highly esteemed, pure sci-fi RPG - while the second game was more of a shooter, it was still considered to have enough role-playing elements to categorize as a true sequel. Many long-time fans of the series considered Mass Effect 3 a step backwards, a product of reversed evolution.

Of course, it being a totally different game wasn't the point when it came to fans' common dislike (or even hatred) towards Mass Effect 3 - it was the ending, which contradicted the rock-solid storytelling and sense of purpose that had graced the whole saga up 'til that point, including all that leads up to it within the confines of Mass Effect 3. Although a majority of the fans felt that the storyline and subplot appeal had both seen better days, the story was considered strong enough of a reason to bear through the game, whether they liked the game or not. If they didn't, the allegedly "hastily written", "sloppy" and "subpar" ending of the game hit them even harder than the ones who did. BioWare spent the summer working on an extended ending for the game after a fan went as far as to gather signatures to have BioWare rewrite it. Yours truly enjoyed the new ending - although I personally had no huge beef with the original, either - but was struck with the fear of BioWare not having enough resources left for any true DLC besides the awesome day-one add-on entitled From Ashes. Well, if camping with EA does SOME good to BioWare, it stabilizes their budget - so Mass Effect 3 got DLC, the last of which was released earlier this week. The trilogy has finally concluded...

...And now it is finally time for me to write a DLC Guide, as well as share my personal feelings on Mass Effect 3. I started playing Mass Effect in the summer of 2011, nearly four years after the original game's release, and nearly four years of listening to my best friend whining about my reluctance to try the game - as well as my inability to do that, since I didn't have an Xbox 360 at the time. In late 2009, BioWare made their PlayStation 3 debut with Dragon Age: Origins, and since buying and loving that game, I gradually became more and more interested in Mass Effect, which was considered BioWare's finest work. Mass Effect 2 came out in January 2010 to absolutely stunning reviews which left awesome impressions on me. Still, I simply couldn't predict that a year and a half later, Mass Effect would outright amaze me, and that Mass Effect 2 would become one of my all-time favourite video games in such record time. I had seriously played that game less than 20 minutes when I made that decision. It wasn't just a continuation of a pre-chosen, "canonical" ending like most sequels. Every decision you made in Mass Effect had an effect on everything in Mass Effect 2 - and, if you so desired, you could import your Commander Shepard from Mass Effect to the game, JUST the way he was, making it feel like there was no break between the games at all. It felt like part of the same game, with (arguably) much more fluid and diverse gameplay, a different yet simply rocking and shocking story, and much better graphics. And, no Mako to study planets (read: sever your arteries) with. Mass Effect 2 also had the honour of being host to the greatest piece of downloadable content ever released - Lair of the Shadow Broker.

Mass Effect 2 cast expectations of epic proportions on Mass Effect 3, and Lair of the Shadow Broker set a standard for all future DLC. I was disappointed in Mass Effect 3. Of course I was, since I had just finished both of its predecessors with all of the DLC, in just the proper order to have a smooth transition to the epic conclusion of this marvellous tale. I had pre-ordered the game two months prior to its release, and not just any standard edition, but the N7 Collector's Edition, which was packed with in-game goodies and memorabilia. This edition of the game cost me just shy of a hundred euros; I also got a "Take Earth Back" t-shirt from a friend, for free (the back pictured above), and bought a giant poster with the box art on it. I owned more Mass Effect 3 memorabilia than of all other games combined, before even starting the game up. Why? 'Cause I loved it, unconditionally. Back when I wrote the review, I expressed my disappointment in the game with a rating of 8.6 (in contrast to the previous games' 9.0 and 9.4) 'cause that was the right thing to do from a critic's standpoint. I didn't actually love the game as much as I loved the previous ones, but I loved it as a conclusion, and respected it as a part of the finest media franchises ever created. It came, it saw, and it conquered. At least it conquered me - the five-year story ended, that's what I expected from the game, and that's what I got. In turn, DLC is always extra, post-script stuff that really has to make an impression to stick. It always contains the risk of feeling totally detached from the game, since it was not originally part of it, and pretty often the risk of pulling something really drastic and pissing off a great deal of fans.

BioWare are veterans in making downloadable content that can go both ways. On the left-hand side, we've got Pinnacle Station for Mass Effect and The Darkspawn Chronicles for Dragon Age: Origins - depressingly crappy, or if not exactly crappy, totally detached stuff. On the right-hand side, we've got the aforementioned Lair of the Shadow Broker for Mass Effect 2 and Mark of the Assassin for Dragon Age II - one of outright perfect quality, and one very good piece of DLC that made the host game feel a whole lot better and definitely more fresh. Now that the table is finally set for Mass Effect 3, let's check out all the single-player DLC last year's biggest game has been graced with - which of it deserves praise, and which deserves the airlock treatment. Let's start with two second, as in new, looks on the two packs that have already been reviewed in full.

---

He ain't a nice man. Or thing. But he gets things done.

FROM ASHES
RELEASED: March 2012
PRICE: 800 BioWare Points (PC), $9.99 (PlayStation Network), 800 Microsoft Points (Xbox LIVE)
ACHIEVEMENTS: 2

The recent discovery of a Prothean artifact lures Shepard and Liara back to where it all began, Eden Prime. There, they find something way bigger than a simple artifact: an actual Prothean, preserved in cryosleep. Although they start off on the wrong foot, Shepard and the Prothean - who introduces himself as Javik - have a common interest in finding a way to rid the galaxy of the Reapers forever.

Initially, I was supposed to write simple summaries of the original DLC reviews, but then I realized that after all the dust has settled, I might want to reconsider some things I've said, especially in the case of From Ashes. I originally rated From Ashes as high as 9.3, and I think that rating was a bit too high. Granted, Javik is an excellent addition to the group. He's an amazing conversionalist, a tough biotic, and unlike Kasumi and Zaeed in Mass Effect 2, he's a solid part of the group throughout the whole game (and the rest of the DLC), instead of someone who just tags along and has a loyalty mission for his only channel to prove his worth from a personality standpoint. Javik is also a Prothean, the first we've ever actually seen in action during the Mass Effect saga, which kind of automatically makes him a character of interest to anyone who's half interested in the evolution of this universe.

However, the only mission of the From Ashes pack isn't too lengthy or interesting, nor is the side mission that comes with it, tempting the player with an Achievement. The tube-like shooter is just like any other very basic mission in Mass Effect 3; I expected a bit more, and it drags the experience down a bit harder than I originally surmised. Anyway, From Ashes IS an essential part of the whole of Mass Effect 3, thanks to Javik's strong presence. As to whether I'd pay 800 Points for it - sure I would, but I can't really take a stand on this subject, since I got the pack for "free" with the N7 Edition.

RATING : 8.9

---

We have gathered here to mourn the passing of one damn
fine franchise.

MASS EFFECT 3 - EXTENDED CUT
RELEASED: June 2012
PRICE: FREE [-> April 2014]
ACHIEVEMENTS: 0

Apparently and against all prior judgement, BioWare does have a bullshit threshold - as the official statement goes, they are strong supporters of the principle that if fans are kind enough to pay for a game, they are fully entitled to a quality product. These fans were extremely disappointed with how the ending to not just Mass Effect 3, but to the whole of Commander Shepard's epic tale, turned out. After a few months of having to endure some of the most insulting and degrading rants about selling out and destroying Mass Effect's legacy along with their own reputation, BioWare delivered a new ending to Mass Effect 3 - to be downloaded free of charge, and directly integrated to the game, once installed.

Of course, it's not exactly a "new" ending, it's literally an extended cut. Criteria for nailing an inspiring post-credits scene after some unavoidable depression stemming from all endings has been toned down a bit, making it easier to achieve and witness. There's one more ending to please those into some extreme (as in EXTREME) renegade action, some small end-all details added to the scenes leading up to the climax, extended dialogue, and finally, 15 minutes of cutscenes from the aftermath of the Reapers' fall, with some detached slideshows spliced in. Those slideshows do not belong at all, but the rest of the Extended Cut is gold. I hear it made quite a positive impact on the originally enraged fans, those who were trustful enough to see the game to the end once more. Problem solved.

Since its release, the Extended Cut has grown into Mass Effect 3's real ending, rather than DLC, so it should be downloaded and installed before you even start the game for the first time. It's free, and it might not please you, but certainly more than the original, even if you didn't hate it all that much. I should know. I guess I could give it a couple of more points thanks to how it has integrated into the full experience since its conception.

RATING : 9.0

---

Fall back.

LEVIATHAN
RELEASED: August 2012
PRICE: 800 BioWare Points (PC), $9.99 (PlayStation Network), 800 Microsoft Points (Xbox LIVE)
ACHIEVEMENTS: 4

The Alliance receives intel on a mysterious lifeform powerful enough to kill a Reaper - something that is only known as "Leviathan". Shepard and his team are dispatched to assist a scientist who specializes in Leviathan. When the scientist is killed by his indoctrinated assistant, Shepard continues his research, soon finding himself and his team searching the darkest corners of the galaxy for something that might turn out his worst enemy - but all that matters to Shepard is Leviathan's strength over the Reapers.

Leviathan has its clear-cut ups and downs. I'm wondering where to start first... well, I guess both the ups and downs are best dealt with the same time. Leviathan is a very multi-layered, diverse mission, which made it stand out from the bulk of Mass Effect 3 at the time of its release. There's some "crime scene investigation" going on like in the beginning of Lair of the Shadow Broker, some new planets to explore, and even a first-person level deep in the bottom of the ocean, viewed from the cockpit of a corrupt mech which could break down any passing second. Well, that's where the fun pretty much stops, since the whole level's about 99,9% scripted - there really isn't any tense challenge to be had there.

Leviathan also sports a good plot... to a point. At that specific point, one's really starting to wonder how much explanation do Reapers and their history actually need. It even feels like they're trying to retcon some Reaper-related stuff from the ending... the ending that still is very present in this game! I'm not sure if the feeling is legit, since it's all so confusing, and like I said, pointless - why milk this subject to eternity?

At a price of 800, Leviathan's a keeper, a good sidestory for well over a half of its duration, but a wholly solid one? It's sad how far it is from one. It's like this game's Overlord, without extensive vehicle levels. If you liked that one, go ahead with the download.

RATING : 7.8

---

There is but one rule on Omega.
Don't fuck with a consumer.

OMEGA
RELEASED: November 2012
PRICE: 1200 BioWare Points (PC), $14.99 (PlayStation Network), 1200 Microsoft Points (Xbox LIVE)
ACHIEVEMENTS: 3

Aria T'Loak has come up with a plan to take Omega back from Cerberus, but needs Shepard's help to follow up on it. Back on Aria's home turf, she and Shepard team up with an old acquaintance of Aria's, who just happens to be in charge of a capable mercenary group also opposing Omega's new rule.

Here is a DLC pack that was supposed to make a difference. The plot is loosely based on the Mass Effect: Invasion comic book series - which kind of deletes the events in the comic book from the timeline - and it begins just like Lair of the Shadow Broker. We meet up and plan out a mission with an old, not to mention interesting acquaintance, who's not much more than an ice cold passer-by in the retail. We return to one of our favourite frequent hangouts in Mass Effect 2. Omega had so much going for it. Then they announced the price. 12-fuckin'-00 Points?! We could be all optimistic about it; From Ashes and Leviathan both sold for 800, and considering that price, they were pretty vast. 1200 Points - now that's got to be some big, diverse shit. An all-nighter at the very least. Bullshit. Omega takes just a few hours to beat, those hours will not satisfy, and on top of all, you get only three new Achievements for bearing this heap of overpriced manure. If you're playing on the PC, you get none - just the crappy bonuses. War assets and a freakin' non-useable chessboard for your cabin.

Omega could've been so much more than a tubular series of maps and such a pointlessly stretched and forcefully complicated, boring sidestory, glazed with a new, regular enemy that is supposed to be second only to a Reaper when it comes to destructive power, but in reality, he's just as much of a pushover than the next guy. Banshees in the retail were much, much tougher to kill. Once you're done with the mission, there's nothing to see on Omega. Nothing. For 1200 Points, you're safe to expect a little more than just the job. From Ashes and Leviathan both had SOMETHING extra for you to do or find, and they sold for 400 less Points.

"The biggest DLC pack ever seen", my ass. This is more like the biggest rip-off I've ever seen. Think of all the great full GAMES you can get for 1200 or less Points, or alternatively, 15 bucks. What would you do if you had the option? If you're a die-hard fan, I guess there's still no question about it, but if you're just a casual Mass Effect player, I strongly advise you to put your expensive Points on something more complete and satisfactory.

RATING : 5.5

---

Let's go kill people, just like old times.

CITADEL
RELEASED: March 2013
PRICE: 1200 BioWare Points (PC), $14.99 (PlayStation Network), 1200 Microsoft Points (Xbox LIVE)
ACHIEVEMENTS: 9

While Shepard's on shore leave on Citadel with his team, preparing for the final battle on Earth, an attempt is made on his life. An ensemble of friends Shepard's made through the years comes together to reveal and take down the organization threatening the life of the most unique, influential and inspirational person they've ever met.

After the shock that was Omega, I was really, really hesitant to pay another load of 1200 Points for a mere DLC pack, especially a DLC pack hosted by a game that hadn't really shined when it came to downloadable content. However, the concept of Citadel alone was enough to loosen up the strings of my virtual wallet - a whole cavalcade of friends, all the way from Wrex to Jack to even Zaeed and Kasumi, just coming together and kicking ass for Shepard's cause. Although it was called "Citadel", it was clear soon enough that this wouldn't be another back-and-forth run through the entirety of the Citadel. It's not much more than a good, commercially appealing name for an end-all Mass Effect DLC.

Citadel doesn't begin too well, but it develops into one of the most immersive, biggest pieces of downloadable content ever conceived. Not nearly as good as Lair of the Shadow Broker for Mass Effect 2, but a slightly less matured apple from the same tree anyway. Despite the very dark plot - which seriously goes to some of the darkest depths of a sidestory, back to a certain, extremely notable breakpoint in the trilogy - a lot of Citadel's appeal lies in its humour. Character traits often targeted by memes through the years, such as Shepard's monotonic finishing line "I should go", and Garrus' everlasting calibrations get their share of clever, legitimately funny jabs, among everything else. The actual mission of tracking down and neutralizing the people after Shepard is only half of this here pack - the second half is full of goodies you might've seriously missed while playing Mass Effect 3, and just truckloads of the aforementioned humour, which takes good care that you, the player, will leave Citadel with a smile on your face.

These goodies include a battle arena, where you can test your skills against different enemy sets with different match modifiers - you can even buy more of both at a store, among other things. Shepard also gains another home base besides Normandy right in the beginning of the story, which you can decorate to your liking. You can converse with every playable character from the trilogy, assuming he/she's still alive in your story, and yes, if you have a thing going on with someone, that's duly noted as well. You can play a few different minigames at a casino as well as an arcade hall - including a new version of Quasar from the first Mass Effect game - and finally, throw a party for the friends of your choosing, or simply all of them, to see their lighter sides. Pretty much meaning damn funny sides.

Citadel is awesome, and exactly what I expect from a DLC pack with a price this steep, unlike the abomination they called Omega. It starts out very slow, but gets better and better towards the end. A definite must for a Mass Effect completist.

RATING : 9.1

REVIEW - Mario's Picross | GB | 1995

GENRE(S): Puzzle
RELEASED: March 13, 1995
AVAILABLE ON: GB, 3DS Virtual Console
DEVELOPER(S): Jupiter
PUBLISHER(S): Nintendo

On to drag some more serious waters... Mario's Picross is one of Mario's less known puzzle games in Western territories, whereas in Japan it was really popular and even spawned a couple of sequels which never made it this far - Picross 2 for the Game Boy, and Mario's Super Picross for the Super Famicom. It's a collection of nonogram picture puzzles, which were kind of the hottest thing in Japan before the invention of sudoku puzzles, and a precursor of sorts. What sounds like my kind of a puzzle game is exactly that, but unfortunately Mario's Picross has the downside of falling into the puzzle game subcategory of once beaten, forever - or at least a long time - done.

Work that chisel

Oops, perhaps I bit off more
than I could chew.

If you're familiar with nonogram puzzles, or at least one of the dozens of different names/variants they're known by, you are able to dodge my surely crappy explanation of how they work. You have a grid - the size varies depending on the difficulty level - and you must paint (in this case, chisel) up cells which you believe to be parts of the grid-wide picture you're attempting to uncover. There are numbers on both the horizontal and vertical sides, indicating how many cells within that respective column must be chiseled in succession to clear the column and make it one step closer to the completion of the puzzle. You can use checkmarks to cross out the cells you don't believe to be parts of the picture. I believe those screenshots are worth a lot more than my verbal complication of the simplest things...

Yeah. Let's just draw some
lines first.

Mario's Picross is a very simple game to get an initial hang of, but it can get really, really difficult. Regardless of the difficulty level, you have 30 minutes per puzzle. If you cannot solve the puzzle within that time frame, it's game over. I know what you're thinking - 30 minutes is a long time for a small, handheld puzzle with such a simple idea - but the more of the tiniest mistakes you make, the more severe time penalties you get. It starts with two minutes, and climbs up to eight minutes at a time really fast, if you're pushing your luck with the chisel a little too much. This is a fine solution to adapt the challenge of real nonograms, which are really hard to fix if you make just one mistake, just like sudokus are. There's a hint system you can opt not to use, but there's no real punishment if you do (just an "H" ticked next to the puzzle in your completion chart - how insulting), and I really recommend it for the higher difficulty levels. The hint reveals two whole columns, one horizontal and one vertical, at the start of each puzzle, making it a bit easier to get started, but not guaranteeing victory, especially when it comes to the more challenging puzzles.

It's-a-me! Or Dr. Phil in a
baseball cap. Good thing
this isn't Anticipation.

The only thing guaranteeing victory is beating the whole game once. There are a lot of puzzles in this game - four "courses" with 64 puzzles each, which makes up for a total of 256 - but since the game lacks a random generator (or alternatively, a level editor), they're exactly the same each time you play, and some courses even hang on to kind of loose themes which are easy to figure out after just a couple of puzzles. Letters, card faces, common symbols, and such. Half a course offers up a challenge, but once you've figured out the theme, the challenge pretty much lies in how a certain solution you already know is achieved with the numbers you're given. Since the puzzles are always the same, conquering Mario's Picross is a one-time deal. It seems there's some sort of a time trial tied to each puzzle, but do one puzzle enough times... I guess there's no need to explain. Still, I think that one time is a time to cherish. Mario's Picross is most of all a different puzzle game, and an entertaining one as long as it lasts. Couldn't imagine having too fun with a version exclusive to the big screen, though - this is one game that we Westerners were glad to know just as a handheld. That being said, this is the Super Game Boy version, as you probably figured out from the screenshots.

Mario's Picross has some minor flaws in addition to its one-off nature, detailed below, but all in all, it's a comfy, addictive puzzle game that will most definitely work as a good, interesting alternative if you're into sudokus. A late Game Boy treat, you could call it.

UPS
+ Unique, addictive gameplay
+ The challenge and appeal of real nonogram puzzles is well and innovatively adapted

DOWNS
- Horrible, repetitive music, as in most genre games
- No lasting value, which on the other hand is moderately unusual for the genre
- The small screen of the Game Boy results in some very strange views on certain objects

< 8.2 >

REVIEW - Mario's Game Gallery | PC | 1995

GENRE(S): Compilation
RELEASED: February 23, 1995
AVAILABLE ON: MAC, PC
DEVELOPER(S): Presage Software
PUBLISHER(S): Interplay Productions

Mario's Game Gallery is the last Mario game to date to have been produced without Nintendo's direct involvement, and the first Mario game ever to have Charles Martinet voicing Mario. I guess that kind of makes the game worth a look for the most serious Mario fan. At least it's not an educational game; it's a compilation of classic board and card games, with some serious issues that prevent it from being too fun even in its harmless nature.

"Mamma mia" this

Checkers. Not really within my comfort zone.

Mario's Game Gallery includes Mario-themed versions of five games: checkers, Go Fish, backgammon, dominoes and Yahtzee, all of which you play against Mario himself. All the while, your opponent spews out lines that will make your children happy and drive you out of your mind. Well, at least there's close to no music, the game is completely harmless, and a couple of the games could almost be considered fun, if it wasn't for some certain strip-downs and the fluffy A.I..

Mario's Game Gallery is kind of a last hurrah from some of the same people that plagued consumers with totally unnecessary and way less than lackluster educational Mario games for a good deal of the 90's; a truly harmless children's game, or rather a compilation of minigames which even adults could almost enjoy, provided they're in the right mindset (read: drunk). However, they always sucked at this job, and that reflects on the whole set in a lot of ways. The A.I. is shoddy, the mouse is a little on the non-responsive side, and my favourite game in this bunch, Yahtzee ("Yacht") is a very frustrating, stripped down version of the real thing.

"MARIO, GO FISH!" Ggghhh.

There's really not much more to say about Mario's Game Gallery, so this might very well be my shortest review ever. It's useless to make it sound any more complex than it is in reality. I've already summarized all the important bits multiple times: it's harmless, but it bends the rules in the wrong direction, and the CPU acts like a retard - not to mention that it sounds like one (sorry, Charlie) - especially in the case of checkers. Well, at least I can finally win at that game.

UPS
+ Finally, some decent children's entertainment

DOWNS
- Bad A.I.
- Stripped rules and Yahtzee criteria
- Mario never shuts up

< 6.3 >

REVIEW - Mario Teaches Typing | PC | 1992

GENRE(S): Edutainment
RELEASED: 1992
AVAILABLE ON: MAC, PC
DEVELOPER(S): Interplay Productions, Presage Software Development Company (MAC)
PUBLISHER(S): Interplay Productions, MacPlay (MAC)

Once upon a time, this blog pretty much revolved around the most popular and distinguished video game character in history. Almost two years ago, I bid farewell to him, and now he's back, by the strength of a few curiosity items in his long, long resume, which spans a whopping total of 32 years. Although some of my most positive, heartfelt reviews to date have been inspired by Mario games, there's a certain selection of Mario games that has inspired me to write some of the most insulting, provocative prose richer with expletives than all of the other reviews combined. Since I'm all for self torture, I'm now going to bring Mario back into the fray with a pick from that particular selection of games - an educational Mario game. It's called Mario Teaches Typing, and to my understanding, it was Mario's first educational game, released some months before the first versions of Mario Is Missing! emerged. It was made by Interplay instead of The Software Toolworks, and it was exclusive to home computers, so two of my favourite things to bash about these games are eliminated before I've even started the game. This had better be bad.

Afdjfifjdfdjfdsp

At least Mario Teaches Typing is a very straightforward and honest "game" of its sort - down to its very title. You know exactly what to expect from it when you load it up. Or will you? No, you won't.

Don't start that "Hello JUKKA!" crap with me.
You're not the Mario I once knew.

First of all, let me straighten myself out, as to why I chose this game for review. After such a long break from reviewing games, and with my mind totally set on something else for almost a whole month, I wanted to review something really light, and light-hearted, to get my juices flowing again. I had a few good ideas, but then a very brief selection of Mario games yet untouched caught my eye, and I thought that since this year's most about tying up loose ends, why not bring back the most popular plumber in the world, who just happened to dominate this blog for its first month online and a few later periods of time? What's more light and light-hearted than an educational Mario game? It might not be good, but at least I can have a few laughs... and perhaps provide a few laughs. Unfortunately I don't find Mario Teaches Typing too funny. It doesn't even have the bad, and usually unintentional humour and ridiculous imagery of the usual Mario edutainment caliber to give it some strange, inexplicable appeal. It's just one horrible app - I've seriously seen better typing apps made by first-year IT students. Better, and definitely more sensical. And, when it comes to the target group, I think having to type real words instead of short lines of gibberish like "?r@q" is more beneficial to a child's basic learning process. Maybe it's just me. There are real words there, they're just considered "more challenging" than those lines of gibberish and that's why they show up later. Weird thinking...

The first game, and let me tell you: it lasts
forever.

There are four different typing games, influenced by some real Mario games. The basic idea behind all games is the same: type the letters or words that pop up to get ahead in the whole wretched thing and get yourself a decent report card to show off to your friends and parents. Or just get a life - at least a better app to make you a killer with the keyboard. Only two games are available at the beginning, and indeed, Mario's Expert Express showers you with gibberish you must simply copy. Once you conquer more challenges within the whole game, the gibberish apparently turns into real, short words.

Would someone tell me by what degree of a
flying fuck would this be educational?

Well, conquering those challenges is no interesting task. All of the games are very simple, and they hardly teach you how to type, only how to alternate between 2-4 different keys at a time, or type down short words with similar, repetitive structures. The outline to the whole game might sound boring, yet harmless, but there's also a small twist to bug those curious enough to try this game in this day and age: the game cannot register certain symbols such as "@" typed with a modern keyboard. And, well, to cast it out as bluntly as I can, the game IS boring throughout. No less than one of the most boring games I've ever played, even in its usually boring company. And, it sounds simply rancid. Even though the game wasn't made by The Software Toolworks, Interplay certainly provided them with the safely annoying solution of taking some well-known Mario tune (in this case the Super Mario World theme song) and playing it on endless loop throughout the whole thing. What's worse, every time you type something - anything - the song hits a very audible glitch.

Considering I leeched this off Abandonia, and since it was originally a home computer exclusive - for once an exclusive for the right platform for these kind of "games" back in the early 90's - I guess I could say Mario Teaches Typing is harmless, but as a Mario fan, I find myself having to regard it as a piece of trash, one more disgrace with Mario's fine name on it. Yet again, the most important thing is that it doesn't have the Nintendo Seal of Quality on it like a few other games do, and at least it's an honest product.

UPS
+ Interplay was honest and opted not to disguise it as a real game

DOWNS
- Outright horrible sound; now I'm really starting to avoid playing Super Mario World anytime soon
- Incompatibility with modern keyboards
- Immensely long and boring games with very strange ideas of challenge
- All of the games must be played through to unlock the more "challenging" (as in a bit more sensical) games

< 2.0 >