tiistai 25. tammikuuta 2011

REVIEW - Frankenstein: The Monster Returns (1991)

Genre(s): Action
Released: 1991
Available on: NES
Developer(s): Bandai
Publisher(s): Bandai
Players: 1


Let's play Word Association. Dracula. Go. If you're into classic horror like me, I strongly suspect your answer would be Frankenstein's monster, since these two horror icons were the earliest and greatest distinct movie monsters of their time. Frankenstein's history dates back to the year 1818, when only 21-year old British girl named Mary Shelley released an initially anonymous novel entitled Frankenstein or the Modern Prometheus. One of the most controversial but critically acclaimed novels of its time, the book touched the subject of man playing God and building an artificial human being, only to find that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. The first known movie adaptation of the novel was made in 1910, with Charles Stanton Ogle as Frankenstein's monster, and the most famous one was released in 1931, starring Boris Karloff as the monster and Colin Clive as his creator. Over 25 movies have been made since then, that have prominently featured Frankenstein's monster in some shape or form, and almost every single one of them was made before 1991. So, my question is: what game was Bandai really working on when they made Frankenstein: The Monster Returns? Believe me, it has NOTHING to do with what Ms. Shelley had in mind.

Good brain, bad brain... no brain

The evil monster of Frankenstein has been buried in an old countryside cemetary for years. During that time, the villagers who killed him have been enjoying life in a small paradise; the sun has shined the whole time and crops have flourished, free from the evil energy of Frankenstein. One fateful night, a bolt of lightning hits Frankenstein's tombstone and resurrects the evil mastermind. A brave young man sets out to put Frankenstein back into his grave and save the life of an innocent little girl.

Luckily Death soon got his old job back in
Super Castlevania IV.
Whew... I'm not really sure where I should begin. Well, first of all, as it was revealed in the second movie starring Clive and Karloff, The Bride of Frankenstein, the monster did not die in the fire set by the villagers. Secondly, why in the hell would a crime against nature be buried in a cemetary close to the village he wreaked traumatic havoc in? How in the most dramatic fashion of fuck is Frankenstein's monster an intelligent, evil overlord? He was intelligent in the original novel, extremely so, but his naivete and incomplete talent to manage emotions made him angry and afraid, and that is why he turned to murder. In the first Karloff movie, which the game is somewhat based on, the simple-minded monster was accidentally given a criminal's brain, which made him aggressive. Aggression was the only emotion the monster felt, he was pretty much dumb as a boot and couldn't speak. Not in any adaptation of Franken-fuckin'-stein is the monster a tough-talking equivalent of Satan himself, who has full control over each and every evil, unnatural being in the big book of cliches, such as a horde of demons from hell and even the Grim Reaper. And sure, if we want to be even more specific and technical about it, the monster does not have a name. Frankenstein was the name of the scientist that created him. Are Dr. Frankenstein or the monster's origins even mentioned in the game? Take a wild guess. This American-Japanese collaboration is like a camp on camp; even Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein had more street cred. Did someone dare to speak Young Frankenstein's title in a negative manner? Fuck off, that movie ruled!

Now that the history lesson on Frankenstein's monster is out of the way, let's concentrate on the game. It's no surprise the game isn't very good, either... but it's kinda playable. The graphics are OK in a warped sort of way, at least the game doesn't fall in the same category as many cheap games of its time and look totally bland and/or spammed with two or three different background textures. The music is simply horrendous, really high-pitched "suspense" music, which suspenses nothing except for my nerves which are already still wrecked after playing Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Luckily Frankenstein: The Monster Returns isn't quite THAT bad.

Intimidating.
There is one well-known web personality that disagrees with me, though. You know, when I started playing this game, I had no recollection of AVGN doing a review of it. It was when I made it to the second stage and fell into a pond, and was forced to fight a merman ripped straight off Castlevania underwater, that a series of deja-vus hit me. I immediately paused the game and hauled my ass to cinemassacre.com. James indeed did a Halloween special on games based on Frankenstein's monster back in 2009. I watched the video, and found it a bit funny that not only was I indeed playing the "main feature" of the Halloween special, I also have James and "Franken-nerd's" warm-ups, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and The Adventures of Dr. Franken next up on my list of games to review... promising. The Nerd was wrong about one thing: you certainly CAN jump from one lily pad to another without ever having to face the merman. There's a boss waiting at the other end, who was totally skipped in the video due to the Nerd resorting to the use of a password; Medusa, who in my mind was one of the most irritating bosses in the whole game.

Everything else that the big N pointed out is pretty much correct. He summarized the game's problems quite well, and actually, there's a lot of stuff that I would've said even without the Nerd's influence. Let's get back on those issues in just a moment, but just in case you haven't figured it out, Frankenstein: The Monster Returns is a poor man's Castlevania game with a similar gallery of monsters ranging from the obvious main cheese to the Wolfman (or Manwolf...) and Dracula - we just can't seem to shake this guy. It's a very straightforward action game. An image of the Castlevania franchise's second game, which I will not mention by name for the millionth time in the course of two days (not yet anyway), is created by the game's occasionally cryptic and pointless nature. Like the Nerd said, pointless battles against even more pointless sub-bosses and random events might've been intentionally made to make the game seem more complicated. The gladiator-ish main character (who you can name yourself, ooh) starts out with his fists and a moderately effective jumpkick, but you gain more weapons as you go. The goal is to zap your way through a total of four stages and face the EVIL, MALICIOUS, DEMONIC DARK LORD THEY CALL FRANKENSTEIN... who's dressed in something that looks like Dr. Frankenstein's lab coat, to add to the confusion... and then, a ridiculous, giant, naked version of him. Simple.

Don't you worry, my silly, illiterate namesake
avatar of mine. I'm sure Emily is perfectly
ALIGHT.
Now I'm just going to quote AVGN more or less directly, 'cause nearly everything I'd have to say about the game was pointed out by him in the video; I'd sound like I'm copying him anyway. Let's start with the first stage. Actually, let's just go over the first two stages extensively, since I don't want to point out each problem of the game every time it rears. You start off on some medieval-looking (...) city street, with hordes of enemies running around. After a while, a "sub-boss" appears in the form of a few standard skunks (?), very easy. You can then enter a building which is inhabited by another sub-boss, a water dragon whose attacks are almost impossible to avoid throughout the whole ordeal. Your reward for beating the guy: a flask of potion to replenish the health you lost while fighting him. Very rewarding indeed. Then, there's YET ANOTHER sub-boss, Death, or the Grim Reaper, if you will. He's pretty simple to beat, but then a bat that looks more like a pterodactyl appears out of nowhere - you don't quite know what to make of his sudden appearance, since you can't go left or to the right, and he doesn't appear hostile. Even when he "attacks", he doesn't do damage, he just grabs you and flies off. Well, the thing is he's Death's little pet and he's taking you to the beginning of the stage. Well, cryptic, but no harm done, right? Wrong. You need to beat Death all over again, and when that damn flying rodent appears, you have about half a second to hit him before he grabs you to finally be done with Death and open up a new path. In case you're wondering - yes, Death's cycle is endless. The real boss is a demon horse that's in cahoots with Frankenstein - well, of course he is - and during the boss fight, the game actually feels playable, for a while.

You'll have dealt with a lot of practical problems up until this point. Enemies can hurt you even during their dying animations, and the physics, especially collision detection are non-existent. Your weapon, whatever it is you're holding, sometimes just passes through enemies and sometimes there's even a spark indicating that you did hit the enemy, he just didn't react to your attack! In turn, enemies' attacks can deal damage to your character in certain spots of the terrain, even if you're not in their range.

The forest's a buggerfuck. Enemies appear out of the blue behind trees, with no indication of danger. When you reach the end of the first screen, you might find yourself wondering where to go until you realize that hey, your character can climb certain types of walls. From the top of the wall, you'll find this wounded guy who gives you something you can destroy the ALMIGHTY FRANKENSTEIN with, he gives you a... what is it, what is it?... a potion. Yay. Well, what's next? You can't climb back down. If you try to approach the guy again and the obvious gap behind him, the screen cuts to him babbling again, this time something about the evil He and She Monster of the Trees. Well, OK. Let's take our chances and jump down the gap on the left side. Whew, I didn't die at least. I know this is the way back to where I came from, but perhaps the "Trees" was some sort of a clue. I'm trying to jump up and down the branches, climb a tree, anything, until I'm right back at the starting point. What the fuck?! Well, I climb the wall again, this time the guy doesn't say anything. I smell a cryptic bullshitter, so this time, I just walk past him, successfully jump down the gap on the right side, and voila, I enter a fight with the He and She Monster, and the final path of the forest's unlocked. Pull my finger.

No completely original enemy in the game. Well,
except for the skunks.
Well, AVGN's infamous lily pad bit comes next, and like I said, it's a piece of cake. Apparently, he didn't stand quite as close to the edge of the pad as he possibly could. It's still hard to avoid the merman, even if you make it to the other side it's up to the game to decide whether you jumped far enough or not, but it is possible to avoid being dragged underwater altogether. Remember the potion that guy gave you on the top of the wall? Well, the first form of the Medusa boss makes damn sure by taking advantage of the game's lacking collision detection, that you won't have the potion when you come face to face with Frankie. Not even in the next stage. The second form's a breeze.

The rest of the game is full of more and more ridiculous bits of dialogue and more concrete problems such as the whole last stage, but after you're done with all I've reviewed here, you're already done with half of the game, so with the awkward password system helping you out, you will finish this game eventually. You might have to struggle to maintain your interest in the game, but it isn't hard in any other sense than being immensely frustrating for most of its brief duration.

I knew I wasn't taking on any sort of a masterpiece here, but the game has so little to do with Frankenstein that it actually hurts my feelings. As a game, it's not the worst piece of trash I've wasted my time on in the last few days, but I can safely say the same thing I have said about all the others: I'm never playing it again. And God damn it, since some of you might be waiting for the moment I'll just blurt it out: I AM seriously considering writing a whole new review of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. Its name has popped up way too many times already in the reviews of much worse games, such as this. We'll have to see if this plan ever comes to fruition... a part of me hopes so, another part of me wants to put a gun to my head.

Graphics : 6.7
Sound : 4.0
Playability : 4.9
Challenge : 4.5
Overall : 4.9


Trivia

a.k.a. Frankenstein

maanantai 24. tammikuuta 2011

REVIEW - Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1991)

Genre(s): Action
Released: 1991
Available on: GB, NES
Developer(s): Imagineering
Publisher(s): THQ
Players: 1


I don't want to sound like some sort of old, artistic geezer who knows everything of even the most irrelevant history of popular culture, but I have to take you "younglings" to a little tour through time 'cause I'm guessing many of you are laughing your asses off at the very name of the game right now. You can read about all of this on Wikipedia, but I think I could summarize it all a bit better. In 1978, an independent screenwriter named Costa Dillon and writer/composer John De Bello created a b-movie that was ironically a parody of b-movies, called Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. The concept of the movie was simply so absurd that critics, of course, hated it, but it gained a cult following. Ten years after the movie's release, the writers decided to do a sequel - Return of the Killer Tomatoes, which was one of George Clooney's first movies. The movie sucked ass, it totally missed out on the spirit of the first one. Although two more sequels were made later, it was this first sequel that spawned an animated series simply entitled Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. This series was one of the greatest pains of my childhood; it aired on Saturday mornings, right in the middle of great cartoon marathons. I was brainwashed by it. The theme song chimed in my head for years, right up until I became a teenager. Yesterday, I found something worse than any Killer Tomato sequel ever made, something worse than the animated series ever was: a video game based on the animated series, created by some of the very same geniuses that gave us Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!

(I'm drawing a blank...)

Dr. Gangrene is threatening the world with the launch of the Doomsday Tomato. It's up to Chad Finletter and his friends to save the world from deep red destruction.

Looks like Bart vs. The Space Mutants, only a
whole lot worse.
I'm pretty sure the prologue will turn out the longest part of this review. Like the header of my choice implies, I'm simply at a loss of words with how bad this game is. It's so generic that this shouldn't even be called a review, this is more like some sort of brief insight on perhaps the worst game I have ever played, at the very least on the Nintendo Entertainment System. I truly hope I never have to witness such an abomination again. As if it weren't enough that it's based on one of the worst cartoons ever, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes has absolutely no value as a video game. Knowing who made it, the thought of trying to complete Home Alone 2 once more did cross my mind. It's simply so bad that I would gladly take on that crime against humanity again. I'd probably even enjoy it after utterly destroying my gray matter with this absolutely horrible bullshit.

The graphics aren't very nice considering that the game came out in '91, well after some true graphical breakthroughs on the 8-bit platform, but in a way, this abomination was visually somewhat ahead of its time. The lighting effects and the pseudo-3D were something you didn't see in every NES game back in the day. These graphical effects are the only elements in the whole game that save it from a straight line of 1.0's. The music is horrible, all the way from the awful theme song, which sounds even worse sequenced for the NES than it ever did on TV, to the original compositions by Mark van Hecke. Each step your character takes makes an annoying noise. What does that tell you of the quality of the sound effects?

If you're wondering where the game came from...
You control this little obnoxious bastard called Chad, jump on any tomatoes you see, watch them shatter into tiny bits of tomatoes and then watch as these tiny bits chew on your helpless, traction-less ass until you've lost a life. The controls are absolute hell, the game is cryptic as hell, and it's simply not fun to play, not one second. Once again I'll compare this game to the Home Alone games on the SNES and say that both of those games were fun, if only for five seconds - Attack of the Killer Tomatoes goes from bad to utterly non-playable in under a nanosecond. Once again, words can't describe how much I fucking hate this game. Still, I implore you to play it. Why? Because maybe one of you's crazy enough to go and kill the shit out of everyone who was a part of its development. I'll probably get sued for that comment, but I don't care - every decent person knows it should be them sitting on trial, for creating this Frankenstein's monster of a game. Hell, let's sue everyone who was ever part of the cartoon series' production. Two flies, and so on.

I'm not gonna say anything about the difficulty level. I simply cannot force myself to play the game enough to see how far I get in it. I know there are only four or five stages, but beating two is perfectly enough for me - it's an achievement in itself to bear the game that far. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is, with utmost certainty, one of the worst games I've ever had to witness with my own eyes and thumbs. I pray that no game I'll review in the near future sinks as low.

Graphics : 5.8
Sound : 1.0
Playability : 1.0
Challenge : 1.0
Overall : 1.1


Trivia

GameRankings: 62.00% (GB)

REVIEW - A Nightmare on Elm Street (1990)

Genre(s): Action / Platform
Released: 1990
Available on: NES
Developer(s): Rare
Publisher(s): LJN
Players: 1-4


In 1984, many good things happened. Yours truly was born, and Johnny Depp made his big screen debut in a cult horror film called A Nightmare on Elm Street. To tell you the truth, I had no idea that a video game, let alone a Nintendo game, based on the terrible tales of Freddy Krueger existed before I saw the Angry Video Game Nerd do a video review on it a couple of years back. A game made in 1990 - six years after the flick it's based on - published by LJN, totally bashed by AVGN, it looks ridiculous from every possible angle... how could I possibly resist?

Nine, ten, never play it again

A child murdering maniac by the name of Freddy Krueger was burnt to death by a group of kids 20 years ago. Now he's back as a spiritual being, who kills Elm Street's teenagers in their dreams. Four teenagers take it upon themselves to find Freddy's remains and destroy them, ending his reign of terror once and for all.

Freddy's such a bad ass that he has Satan for
a henchman.
A Nightmare on Elm Street isn't based on any of the movies, if it was it would probably been banned by Nintendo of America in a heartbeat. It's a basic, watered down, and dare I say an unnecessary movie license in which it's never really implicated that Freddy kills people, he's more of a boogeyman scaring the shit out of teenagers, and slapping them around a bit in their dreams. As per usual in any 8-bit "horror" game, Freddy has wild rats, bats, ghosts and zombies helping him out, which steals away the last bits of authenticity. Sure, some thin references to all five Elm Street movies that came before the game are present, so it's clear that Rare at least knew something about the movies when they began developing this game... although I don't remember the Dream Warriors ever dressing themselves up as ninjas or wizards.

The title screen of the game is very cool and it almost makes one expect a decent experience from it. The game isn't that ugly either, but each house (stage) looks the same. The normal Freddy sprite looks OK, but otherwise, the boss design sucks. Most of the bosses are Freddy's different body parts, and the head doesn't look anything like Freddy. Since the game was developed by Rare, it's pretty much expected that it's David Wise who wrote the music to the game, and the music is indeed one of the game's strongest qualities. Not Dave's finest work by a long shot, but listenable shite. The game is one of the few licensed games on the NES, especially those graced with the butt-ugly rainbow logo of LJN, that actually features a theme song of whatever it's based on.

What a lovely neighbourhood.
So, the idea is to hack through every house and basement on Elm Street with up to three of your friends (how you would find that much volunteers to play the game is beyond me), find every bone there is, fight a boss and make your way to the school's boiler room from the first flick to sort of burn Freddy for the second time. Of course, it's all made less simple by many different factors. There's a lot of platform jumping, the physics of the game are more than lacking, and then there's the case of two different realities - ironically, the one that should give you more trouble is much easier to conquer. Via an "unique effect" - which is ripped straight off Simon's Quest (I have mentioned that game way too many times lately) - you're thrown into the dream world whenever a certain meter of yours drains out, in other words whenever your character falls asleep. What's funny is that it can happen even during a jump. Quite a feat, if you ask me. In the dream world, the enemies are tougher and if you're not quick about it, you will have to deal with Freddy himself. You can prevent your character from falling asleep by drinking cups of coffee, and you can force your way back into the real world by finding a stereo set and waking your character up with the power of rock.

However, like I said, you shouldn't do it. In the real world, your only weapons are your fists, in the ends of your very short arms - the range of your attacks is pathetic and with the crappy physics, enemies can easily deal damage to you from even a short distance away. They touch you four times, you're done - you have a decent amount of continues, but you wouldn't believe how fast even they can drain once you get to the parts in which either getting the one last bone you're after, or falling down a chasm, is all up to sheer luck. Anyway, in the dream world, you can morph into a Dream Warrior. What kind of a Warrior, depends on the icons you collected in the real world. You can switch between them all the time as long as you remain asleep. The Dream Warrior costumes are absolutely ridiculous and they're like a merciless joke on the alliance of teens in the third movie, but by the time you get the whole system you really won't care whether it feels like an Elm Street game or not. The game is somewhat entertaining at first, but it turns damn boring damn fast, and Freddy's pretty far from the scariest murderous bastard in movie history when you can simply spam his ass with shurikens, never letting him come even near you.

What a nightmare. I'm being chased around by
a raving lunatic and dressed up like Richard
Simmons.
Even all of the actual bosses are child's play as long as you are asleep and dressed up like an idiot. An effective idiot, but an idiot anyway. Getting through this extreme bubblegum-horror borefest is pretty much all up to your luck with the oversensitive controls and their close relationship with narrow platforms... and perhaps one single boss whose movement makes him extremely hard to hit, while he will most likely hit you with every single one of his attacks.

I must say that A Nightmare on Elm Street is one of the longest lasting LJN games I've played: after all, it takes 15 minutes to simply understand the game, you might like it for another 15 minutes, and one more 15 minute period is needed to confirm that the game does, indeed, suck. That's 45 minutes of fully patient playing right there, and it's a pretty strong feat considering what kind of utter crap I expected out of this game. It's not exactly awful at all, it's just immensely boring and I don't see any reason to waste any more of my time with it ever again. It's a game that can almost be enjoyed, once.

Graphics : 6.6
Sound : 7.3
Playability : 5.7
Challenge : 5.1
Overall : 5.5

REVIEW - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1993)

NES VERSION
Genre(s): Action / Platform
Released: 1993
Available on: Amiga, GB, GEN, GG, NES, PC, Sega-CD, SMS, SNES
Developer(s): Psygnosis, Traveller's Tales
Publisher(s): Psygnosis, Sony Imagesoft
Players: 1


Founded in 1989, Sony Imagesoft was a subsidiary of CBS/Sony, which originally published games exclusively for Nintendo systems, before, for some reason, they were signed to publish games for Sega systems as well. The strict rule was that everything that had Sony Imagesoft written on it was total crap, they were the new LJN. The most common thread between the two companies was that you could take any bad movie license and bet your life on either LJN or Sony Imagesoft's logo being on the box art, and it usually was. If not them, it was THQ (Home Alone!) or Ocean Software, but at least they had some playable games. 1994 was a year that Sony Imagesoft surprised the hell out of critics with quality games like Skyblazer and Mickey Mania. In 1995, Sony Imagesoft became a part of Sony Computer Entertainment, who today are one of the highest-grossing video game publishers in the world - responsible for the releases of most PlayStation exclusives. What a beautiful story, huh? Well, all sins of the past can't be forgiven. Especially if one of those sins happens to be Bram Stoker's Dracula. Although its shittiness doesn't quite match that of Imagesoft's other pride and joys from their movie licensing days, such as Last Action Hero and Cliffhanger, it is bad. Oh Lord above, it is bad. Worst of all, it came out on nearly every platform of the era.

Don't know about blood, but it does suck

A British lawyer named Jonathan Harker travels to Transylvania to offer his legal aid to a mysterious Count Dracula. Soon he finds himself trapped in the count's castle, while its immortal, vampiric owner is on his way to meet Harker's lovely fiancee back in England, whom he believes to be the reincarnation of his lost love from centuries past. With the help of vampire expert Dr. Abraham van Helsing and others that have suffered due to Dracula's actions, Harker sets out to slay the abomination and save his bride-to-be.

Yeah, I wouldn't have found a human skeleton
on the wall any suspicious, either.
I watched Bram Stoker's Dracula for a school project back in 1997, I was 13 years old. I didn't get it. What's surprising is that I watched it again on TV back in 2005, I still didn't get it. I thought reading the book would give me some insight of what the hell was going on in that movie, so I read it in 2008. I didn't get the book, either. The movie is confusing, but it has a non-Hannibal Lecter type of crazy Anthony Hopkins delivering unforgettable one-liners, and Gary fuckin' Oldman playing the big cheese, so it isn't all that bad in the core sense of the word. The book is just a damn boring collection of journals, I really had to struggle through the whole thing, but it has some good parts which I truly enjoyed reading. I still want to like both the book and the movie so badly, but I just can't, not even as a gothic horror fan, but the bottom line is that they both have good parts. Bram Stoker's Dracula, the video game, doesn't.

Since Sony Imagesoft never actually developed any games besides some cheap games based on TV quiz shows and just felt the need to get the "credit" for every shitty licensed game there was, this game was actually done by Psygnosis, which in my mind was a quite formidable game developer at the time. It's amazing that out of the seven people who worked on this piece of crap, at least two also worked on the game that brought Psygnosis to the map, Lemmings.

Let's start with the graphics, which are probably the game's best quality, though far from great. I've seen uglier games on the NES, and as a matter of fact, I've seen a worse pixelated version of Keanu Reeves. The guy on the screen doesn't look like Keanu one bit, but at least he doesn't look like total crap. I don't know if I should even start with the music, since thoroughly going through every annoying bit of soundtrack in this game would take me the rest of the night and I would probably run out of appropriate nasty words halfway through the deal. The music is obnoxiously bad, and I'll leave it at that. Not to mention the sound effects.

Wouldn't hurt to put on some pants, Gary.
The NES version of the game is not much more than a platformer of the most generic kind. A single stage is comprised of two different phases, daytime and night time (or nightime, as it is so graciously typoed). There really ain't no difference between the two, except that kind of like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, "nightime" is when most monsters come out of their hiding places to drive you nuts, and appropriately, "nightime" is also when you'll face off with the bosses in the game, that are just about as generic as they can get. The only difficulty of the bosses lies in their cramped hiding places. Figure out some boring strategy and go with it. Getting to the bosses is something different.

You have three lives in the beginning of each game. A generous abundance of extra lives is something you should not expect, and the cherry on the top of the cake is that even continues have to be earned as items. Yes, that's right, there are no continues. Three lives plus the very rare 1-Up, that's it. What else? Well, usually you get full health after each death. In this game, you only get half. What else? Seemingly normal lifts can suddenly give way and drop you into spikes or water, which is apparently just as hazardous to your health, mandatory leaps of faith into chasms can lunge you right into the heart of a storm of ghosts, hands can suddenly appear out of walls (read: nowhere) and slap you to your death, and an enemy might spawn right in your spot and kill you just before you exit the stage you are in. This game simply can't be beaten without an extensive knowledge on the art of trial and error... and of course, a truckload of patience that you are easily prompted to spend elsewhere.

Just as any unimaginative NES platformer, Bram Stoker's Dracula borrows a lot from other games. Items are gathered from question mark blocks... hmm, I wonder what game they are from? There are secondary weapons such as hatchets and holy water, but unlike in Castlevania, you don't get to choose between weapons. You are stuck using the secondary weapons instead of your "trusty" knife as long as you have enough of them. Non-surprisingly, you usually run out of them when you would actually need them, which is in boss fights, but at least Psygnosis had some thought put into this: secondary weapon tokens fly all over the screen in most boss fights.

"Whoa."
If we're talking about challenge, we absolutely must take into account that Bram Stoker's Dracula is downright impossible... to stand. You play it, you die. You play it again, you die. One more time, you die. By that time, if you're still interested, you'll have memorized every awkward obstacle and the spots where enemies just magically spawn right in front of you. You find a secret passage, and an item which grants you one chance to continue. Right on, you're doing well! ...But you're bored out of your God damn socks so it really doesn't matter. Since you're so bored, you'll probably just run forward and get punctured by some damn spikes... from several inches away, but just because you're on the same floor level (it really happens from time to time, with certain sets of spikes). Before long, you die. And that's about it. Not much use in wasting quality time on a game that has enemies, obstacles and other hazards coming out of the purest blue, and most of the time, only three lives to spend. It's not very short, either... at least not short enough.

Unlike Imagesoft's worst, though, Bram Stoker's Dracula on the NES is a quite harmless game. It doesn't really hurt to try it, it's just not any good and paying for it is one of the worst mistakes a gamer can possibly do. Almost a fun way to kill some very, very extra time - but I think when it comes to vampire killing on the NES, I'll go back to the Castlevania trilogy. Yes, even Simon's Quest.

Graphics : 6.5
Sound : 4.0
Playability : 4.3
Challenge : 5.0
Overall : 4.5


---

SNES VERSION
Well, I just said that Bram Stoker's Dracula on the NES, although bad, is not one of Sony Imagesoft's absolutely worst games. The SNES rendition of the game is. Think about every frustration you have ever experienced while playing a video game, and you will most likely find it from the confines of this abso-fuckin'-lutely wasted piece of cartridge plastic.

The graphics of the game aren't BAD, they just simply look like NOTHING. Very similar to dozens of other movie licenses: large sprites, generic backgrounds, not much details, not much happening. Same goes for the music: not exactly awful in this version, but totally unmemorable. Kind of like the same ambient stuff used in the horrible Batman Forever a couple of years later.

Although this version of the game was also developed by Psygnosis and published by Sony Imagesoft, it was developed by a wholly different group of people, and it's actually rubbed in your face that the game is based on the movie. The imagery is very close to the movie, and Francis Ford Coppola is mentioned by name in the credits. I feel sad for one of the best movie directors of our time right now... as a funny sidenote, Fred Fuchs is also mentioned! Three cheers for Fred Fuchs! When it comes to the Psygnosis staff that was actually part of the game's development, I have to say I'm even more surprised of the quality of these guys' later projects than I was in the NES game's case. Well, I guess every career has a beginning...

During all my years as a video gamer, I've very rarely played games that are so bad they piss me off as a person. I usually just laugh at them, except if I've paid for them. Luckily I very rarely buy games on instinct, I have to know they're good before I spend one stinking cent on them. However, when I was a kid, I played anything, especially games based on movies and TV shows I liked. These games were rarely bought, but I rented a lot of games from the local video store, and Bram Stoker's Dracula was one of them. Even to me, a kid that couldn't tell shit from flowers when it came to video games back then, the game was one awfully snotty slap to the face. Trying it again after all these years almost made me lose belief in humanity.

I'm in the second stage and wondering why
in the hell I'm still playing this game.
The NES and SNES game have very little in common. The NES game was at least some sort of a platformer, while all you do in the SNES game is move forward and kill a lot of folks and animals. To make things a little more cryptic, in some stages you need to locate Dr. van Helsing to be able to find the exit, which you've probably already been to a couple of times - you simply cannot exit before picking up a "weapon upgrade" from dear old Abe. This "upgrade" doesn't help you one stinking bit - your sword remains just as pathetic the whole time. The most important thing the two games have in common is death. Well, the SNES version at least has three continues to offer you from the very beginning, but if you have any sense for gameplay at all, you'll be done with the game after your first visit to the continue screen.

Everything that moves is hazardous to your health, and yes, some obstacles and hazards still appear out of complete blue, and with no logic at all. Just about everyone's an enemy. Yep, even that drunk passed out on the floor, or a pile of crates. He's your enemy. Don't know what Harker has ever done to him, but he hates his guts and has a lot of spare bottles to throw at him.

On a 99% certainty, you won't be patient enough or interested in this game enough to try to beat it, but it is possible, more than that since if you just keep mashing the attack button(s) and memorizing the locations of every random spike coming out of the ground or a boulder falling on you, you will finish the game in no time. Even the bosses are just as pathetic as the game itself.

It still might not be Imagesoft's worst game, can't say I'm overwhelmed by a desire to get into those two or three games, but it is most definitely still one of the worst commercial games released on my favourite console of all time, so you can pretty much imagine how much love and respect I have for the company's SNES catalogue in general. Compared to this major piece of horse shit, the NES version is more than playable. The title screen looks much closer to home than the one of the NES version, but everything else squeezed into this poor cartridge should never have seen the light.

Graphics : 6.0
Sound : 5.8
Playability : 2.8
Challenge : 2.5
Overall : 2.7


Trivia

GameRankings: 20.00% (Sega-CD), 56.50% (SNES)

The PC version was also developed by Psygnosis, but unlike any other version, it's a first-person shooter.

Good vs. Evil - Simon Belmont & Vlad Tepes Dracula

Simon as he appears
in Castlevania. The
way we'd like to
remember the guy.
SIMON BELMONT
Voice actor(s): Keith Silverstein
First game: Castlevania (1986)
Latest game: Castlevania Judgment (2008)


No great lead character has been botched over the years quite like Simon Belmont. We who grew up during the great times of the NES and SNES learned to know Simon as a He-Man lookalike who wore crimson armour and a super-effective whip meant to crack bone, and who had an absolutely wicked soundtrack to back up his vampire killin' ways. Simon Belmont was the first real horror game hero. All the Belmonts who followed him couldn't tally up to Simon's greatness. Simon is by far the only true Belmont. Well sure, there's his ancestor Trevor, but Simon appeared as the main character in more great games than just one.

Well, enter the modern times. It doesn't matter whether or not a Castlevania game was made in Japan or the U.S., each new model of Simon is even more horrible than the last. No one wants to see or hear a red-headed, feminine, leather-clad pansy calling himself (or herself...) Simon Belmont and disgracing the fine reputation of the Vampire Killer whip practically _dancing_ to some classic, but totally butchered tunes that hardly ever needed a remix. I even liked the retarded Simon in Captain N: The Game Master more.

Whatever he might've looked like since Castlevania Chronicles on the PlayStation, no one can forget the best moments spent in the boots of Simon Belmont, when he was still a character that could be taken seriously. The first Castlevania game is one of the true classics of the Nintendo Entertainment System, and the franchise's first 16-bit installment Super Castlevania IV is still one of the best games ever made. Not only did an ancient tome (probably a book on 16-bit technology) teach Simon how to whip the Vampire Killer in eight different directions, he could also use it as a shield to deflect impromptu attacks from the worst scourge of the Castlevania franchise that I usually dub "flying bastards", 'cause that's exactly what they are. He could also walk while crouching, which makes him one of the most agile Castlevania protagonists in history. He single-handedly slaughtered Dracula's foul ass to the best collection of music the series has ever had in a single game; including his very own theme song, surprisingly called "Theme of Simon Belmont".

I didn't want to show this, but this
is what Simon looks like in the Wii
exclusive Castlevania Judgment.
Jumped the shark?
I think I got a little carried away there - Super Castlevania IV is indeed the game which had Simon jumping the shark stage after stage, block after block. Who could possibly forget that seemingly endless and frustrating climb up the Clock Tower? Or the fabulous collective of music and boss fights that game had? Aww, I have to dig the game up again! Can't help it!

Hit rock bottom?
I think every game Simon has been a part of in the last 12 years hit rock bottom. When he was still THE Simon Belmont I once knew, he definitely hit rock bottom in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The box art portrays Simon sporting his most vintage look (I love NES box art), the music of the game is awesome - it's not where "Bloody Tears" originated, but it made the song famous - and, it was the first Castlevania game I ever played. That being said, it was also the last Castlevania game I played in over ten years. Who knows, I might take it on again some day, just for the novelty of it, but it is horrible, no doubt about it in my mind.

---

Count Dracula as he appears
in Castlevania: Dracula X.
VLAD TEPES DRACULA
a.k.a. Matthias Cronqvist, Count Dracula, The Lord of Darkness, Nosferatu, Gabriel Belmont, Dracul etc.
Voice actor(s): Michael Gough, Steven Jay Blum, Patrick Seitz, Robert Carlyle
First game: Dracula (1983)
Latest game: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow (2010)


If there ever was a good measure for being a bad-ass, how about being the king of vampires or existing as long as there is evil in the world? We're not only talking about the Dracula that was made one of the greatest (and definitely most persistent) video game villains of all time by the Castlevania franchise, we're talking about the universal scum of the earth that was made popular by novelist Bram Stoker's milestone in gothic literature, Dracula, in 1897. It is debatable what was the first game featuring this creature of the night, but King's Quest II: Romancing the Throne (1985) was chronologically the first game I remember having a "fight" against Dracula. Intellivision's Dracula from 1983 would be my best guess for the first game that featured Drac himself, and not just some vampiric nobody. Kain and Raziel, you know I didn't mean anything by that, and your turn will come soon in this very same feature.

Castlevania was the game which made kicking Dracula's ass an annual thing. To date, Dracula has appeared in some form in every single Castlevania game I've played, even through loopholes after loopholes. Whether it's him in his human form, present the whole time and waiting to reveal himself in the end, or the driving force of the story from the very beginning, he has been there and there has been no doubt about it. He has actually BEEN the lead character at least twice, according to some quite crazy script. Soma Cruz, the protagonist in both Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow, was revealed to be some sort of a Dracula reincarnate - though a very pleasant one - and the story of Gabriel Belmont, the protagonist of the much-spoken Castlevania reboot Lords of Shadow, is the "new Castlevania's" version of Dracula's origin - which was revealed by the surprise ending of the game. So, Dracula is truly immortal... as long as Konami rakes in the cash.

Dracula's latest form in Castlevania:
Lords of Shadow
. Pretty cool.
Jumped the shark?
In Dracula's case, I'm not really sure what jumping the shark means. He has never been too entertaining in a fight in any game, and he has never really made an impression with something other than his already established charisma. I liked the ending of Lords of Shadow very much, but then again, it had Dracula at his most vulnerable state. I think I'll go with the final boss fight in Super Castlevania IV with this one - he wasn't a fun guy to clash with, but just getting to him resulted in an adrenaline surge for the ages.

Hit rock bottom?
Well, Dracula is such a commonly utilized character that there are many shitty games that he's been in, and when it comes to the Castlevania series, I can think of at least three different moments from three different games that I've wanted to quit being his fan. In Simon's Quest, he was the most pathetic and anti-climactic final boss ever - I've not fought him, but I've seen the videos. In Dracula X, he was so God damn, frustratingly difficult that he had you trying to bite your own balls off. In Symphony of the Night, he sported his coolest look ever, but then botched his own awesome aura with one of the worst lines in video game history ("WHAT IS A MAN!?" and so on). But, to spare the Castlevania series from total degradation, I have to say Bram Stoker's Dracula is one of the worst games I've ever played, on every platform it was released on. ...And guess what? I'm reviewing at least two versions of it, very soon.

REVIEW - LittleBigPlanet 2 (2011)

Genre(s): Platform / Multi
Released: 2011
Available on: PS3
Developer(s): Media Molecule
Publisher(s): Sony Computer Entertainment
Players: 1-4

The sequel to one of the best video games in history never seemed very crucial to me when it was first rumoured. We had a game that got a new patch and tons of DLC each week - it grew and grew all the time, so did the community and its amount of different levels took about six months into the game's release to increase into ridiculous amounts. LittleBigPlanet was a game that never ended - what the hell would we do with another apple from the same tree? Well, first of all, LittleBigPlanet did have its limits. Secondly, idiots and untalented people ruined the thrill of the community. Thirdly, when LittleBigPlanet 2 was formally announced, it was made damn sure that players would not expect the same game all over again. The trailers showed fully functional shoot 'em ups, role-playing games, strategy games, whatever you could imagine, made with the new and improved level editor. Can it be true? Has a platform game really been overhauled into rather a platform for games? ...Yes. With LittleBigPlanet 2, Media Molecule once again tests human imagination, and this time, they're aiming for the borderline. Be you a casual player or a total freak for the creative side of the game, you will love LittleBigPlanet 2. To be totally frank, the foretold year of the PlayStation 3 begins with a bang: its best game thus far.

The captivity of negativity

STARRING
Stephen Fry : Narrator
Colin McFarlane : Larry Da Vinci
Judy Sweeney : Victoria von Bathysphere
Barry Meade : Clive Handforth
Jules de Jongh : Eve Silva Paragorica
Ewan Bailey : Dr. Herbert Higginbotham
Jeremy Mayne : The Negativitron


An intergalactic vacuum cleaner called the Negativitron sucks in half of Craftworld. Sackboy is saved by members of a resistance group calling themselves the Alliance, and then trained to be a member himself, to do battle against the calamity from outer space.

I can't emphasize enough how I didn't believe in LittleBigPlanet 2, not even in the possibility of a sequel when the first game came out. However, every bit of info that leaked about it after the game was formally announced was better than the last. Finally, I decided to pre-order the game, win or lose. Not really my style, but somehow, I just knew the game was going to rock. I created only one crappy level in the era of LittleBigPlanet, level editing just didn't interest me. LittleBigPlanet 2's vast array of options practically forces you to be interested in it. Actually, this review was delayed because me and my friend spent the last night faithfully recreating the legendary first stage of Dr. Wily's castle in Mega Man 2 to a toyish LBP form. It's perfectly possible, right down to sequencing the music. We got to the halfway mark, and so far, the level looks awesome. If creating a platformer's not good enough for you, try creating a shooter in the vein of R-Type or a simple arcade game in the vein of Pong. This is all perfectly possible, too. Oh, and if you're just a casual player with still no interest in creating levels yourself, you've still come to the right place when you slap in this baby; the story mode rocks. It's more rewarding, more alive, more diverse, and more challenging than the one in the first game.

Your buddy stole your grapple? Not to worry,
stick a grappling hook up his ass and see if
he tries something like that again.
The game looks awesome in the LittleBigPlanet sort of way - it's a bit more multi-dimensional and your character does some death-defying turns in the air while jumping off a bouncy platform. It's a very dynamic game from all standpoints. Even all old community levels are filtered to fit the new scheme. The characters are no longer combinations of a few blocks: they move, they have different facial expressions, they're very much alive. The whole new Sackbot engine is what's used to bring more flesh into these characters, as you will see when and if you get to level editing.

The soundtrack's still chocked with elevator music, but there are some fun remixes of classical tunes such as the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey and Beethoven's 5th. The immensely popular Finnish metal band Nightwish contributes a boss theme, an instrumental version of their song "Whoever Brings the Night", which is perfect for the situation. Daniel Pemberton has a couple of new tracks up his sleeve, which are bound to make an impression of some sort. What's shit is that most of the new music in the game cannot be remixed in level editing, for reasons unknown. If you carry over the stuff from the first game, that's all still available for remixing. The custom soundtrack, which came along as a patch for the first game at some point, is carried over and it enables you to rock out to the music on your HDD, inside the confines of your pod or during level editing.

The most important audiovisual difference between the first and the second game is that there are cutscenes, during which the NPC's really speak instead of just spewing out huge amounts of insane mumbo. Once again, I'm not familiar with the original audio track - in the Finnish version, they apparently replaced the good old narrator with the guy who does the Finnish voice of Buzz, which is first of all quite distracting, and admittedly the guy's voice annoys the hell out of me, especially during long tutorials and the dozens of reminders which pop up every now and then in every sort of situation. The Finnish voice actors have very different lingual skills - one speaks very clear English while one can't pronounce English at all - and it's amazing what different ways are found to fuck up a simple word like "Craftworld". The names of the characters are articulate mysteries right up until they appear as text on the screen. I'm thinking of changing the in-game language for good - I believe the Brits do a good, quirky job and tell the already good jokes that much better. So, the Finnish translation doesn't affect the rating one bit. Just wanted to take this opportunity to bash it some.

The beginning of LittleBigPlanet 2 plays out very much like that of its predecessor. However, soon enough it's made very clear that the similarities are brief, and in only just to allow new players, as well as those who choose not to carry over their old profile from the previous game to get (re-)acquainted with the basic controls, and grab tools and items that were crucial to level editing in the first game. The main emphasis is on the new features, all the way. The Metal Gear Solid Level Kit introduced the Paintinator, and the Pirates of the Caribbean Level Kit introduced water - in LittleBigPlanet 2, some sort of a gun and water are, of course, basic elements. Water isn't very common, in fact it only appears in one race challenge during the story mode - but guns and other special items are available in almost every level. The Paintinator is available in level editing, but the weapon of choice in the story mode is called the Creatinator, which can shoot everything from plasma balls to standard, touch-sensitive bombs. Special items include a grappling hook, which probably needs no explanation, and a pair of gloves that enable Sack to haul and throw items made of light materials. In further addition, we have a Controlinator, used for controlling mounts, each of which has some sort of special ability - a worker bee capable of carrying heavy loads, a dog so cute it's almost icky but that has a bark from hell, and a rabbit with very destructive feet, to name some examples. Oh, more? Here goes.

Sackbots are these wooden copies of Sackboy, that can become quite a formidable army when well utilized. In level editing, they can be used for creating more realistic Sack characters than just the one you control, or more realistic NPC's as opposed to those in the style of the previous game. They are quite an important part of the story as well. In many levels, you need to rescue a group of Sackbots from certain doom. The more you are able to guide to the very end of the level, the more prizes and points you get. In the several score challenges of the game, it's the very same thing - the better score, the better prizes. It's not just for the sake of high scoring this time around, which is very neat and it makes the score challenges a lot more interesting and replayable. Anyway, back to the Sackbots - how easy it is to guide them depends on their assigned behaviour. If scared shitless, they just run away from you. If they like you, they follow your every move. If they're completely oblivious to just about everything happening around them, you can always use a seductive doll to get their attention. Manipulating the bots' movements in different situations and levels is puzzling and fun, it plays out kind of like with the namesakes in Lemmings or the Mini-Marios in Mario vs. Donkey Kong. In the later stages of the game, YOU will be the one helping THEM to get rid of enemies and obstacles, which brings in yet another cool angle on how the Sackbots can be used in your own levels.

Boss fights were definitely a part of LittleBigPlanet, but they weren't very climactic and the same strategy could be used from the beginning to the end. I loved the Metal Gear REX fight in the Metal Gear Solid Level Kit, as it had multiple, clearly cut phases. I liked the Kraken in Pirates, too. In LittleBigPlanet 2, each boss fight is just as good as those ones. Clearly inspired by people's new-found fascination with epic boss fights, Media Molecule worked to make each boss fight a spectacular deathmatch.

A game of intergalactic pool, anyone?
During the later half of the game, Media Molecule demonstrates how a platformer can be turned upside down and suddenly made into a 2D shooter, even in retro style, or an arcade game, or just about any game, just like that. The question of how LittleBigPlanet would feel in zero gravity is also answered. I feel they could've demonstrated it all just a bit further than just a few story levels. Of course, we have the versus levels, which allow you to get it on with your friends in multiple sorts of shoutfests such as a very generic game of basketball or space pool, or a version of the developers' other hit Rag Doll Kung Fu, with a rocket-launching Creatinator standing in for martial art skills. The versus levels are a great idea, but again, it's all about demonstrating different possibilities when it comes to Media Molecule's own levels, not necessarily the best that can be accomplished with the level/game creation tools. Although there are some gems among the in-game versus levels, most of them are a bit too simple and boring, not near the quality of the story levels. If there's a way to sum up LittleBigPlanet 2's flaws, it's that Media Molecule perhaps trusts players a bit too much... and the so called "simplicity" of their level editor.

The game offers a quick recap on the old features of the level editor before slapping us around with gigantic gauntlets of new information. I'm deeply annoyed by the fact that it's once again quantity over quality, even moreso: the new radar system spans something like six or seven new types of radars, and there's a whole bunch of new, complicated tools that might definitely prove useful in the hands of a keen and skilled, and preferrably experienced user, but a casual player might not stand a chance in making a decent level with them. The narrator carelessly uses awkward terms and keeps squeezing in totally irrelevant jabs in the wrong places, as if he's deliberately trying to confuse the player. The editor's save feature once again fails from time to time, leaving us cursing whenever a tool's settings are all fucked up even if we double checked they were fine the last time we saved, and small parts of large constructions keep falling and effectively demolishing the whole wretched thing, just because we forgot to glue that tiny fragment of a particle in place.

However, playing around with the level editor's fun and most of all, extremely intriguing. After we got to work on the Mega Man 2 level, I finally figured out what's so great about it all, and like I said, another 12 hours in and we're gonna be the proudest level creators on this side of LittleBigPlanet. We're even thinking of doing a series of these "retrocreations", time will tell. For now, I'll be happy once we get this one done - it takes a LOT of work, especially when you're working with a damn perfectionist who wants to map the whole area once every five minutes to see if there's a pixel-sized mistake somewhere.

To point out a couple of more flaws before letting my love for the game handle the rest of this review - I'd have to take the usual problem of the grappling hook into account. It's been a problem (at least for me) in just about every game that has some sort of a substitutional feature: your character is prone to target the last grappling point instead of the next, no matter what kind of a hurry you are in and no matter how hard you keep raping the analog stick to the direction of the next grappling point. Without necessarily spoiling anything, this can turn out one LittleBigPlanet-sized problem in the very last boss fight - it can literally spell doom for you if Sack fails to target the correct spot even once. Also, some of the Creatinator ammo lacks precision, especially the cakes - and what's funny is that they're called something like "precision ammo". You can hit an enemy's brain straight on, but chances are, nothing happens. Same goes for the cakes you can throw at enemies by hand. I hope they patch these small, but very annoying flaws as soon as possible. If and when they do, we'll have a perfect story game on our hands. I'm quite serious.

"Have you met by cousin Robbie, who works
at Konami?" Hrr...
Let's talk about general difficulty first, then the Trophies, since the Trophy system in the game is quite unique. If you want to "ace" the game, in other words survive the game without dying, gather every single prize bubble there is, and finally plat the game, you don't just run through it - you're in for hours upon hours of true challenge. The enemies aren't much to deal with, but the game is filled to the brim with fiendish obstacles and puzzles - one race challenge in the game is one I still haven't been able to figure out, I haven't even played through it yet, and I have one versus level (?) that hasn't even been unlocked. There are many levels that need to be played through many, many times before you can hope to have found everything, and even levels that need to be played through in several different ways to be fully conquered. Getting through the challenges of LittleBigPlanet 2 once is not hard, but truly completing it is.

As for the Trophies, LittleBigPlanet 2 is not a game for Whores unlike the first one. No Trophies for hearts, so every below-mediocre level author out there can forget about those childish "H4H" rants. Also, simply completing a set amount of community levels, or creating levels exclusively to pass around free Trophies don't work anymore. The Trophies are still very much based on your actions within the LittleBigPlanet community, but most of them take some true dedication to the game and truly productive level editing. We all were there to see the shit that poured into the community in the first game's heyday, now I think people will think twice before making their five-minute efforts public and spamming them with heart-related comments. Media Molecule's clean-up program seems to work; almost every new level or short movie made with the cutscene editor I've seen emerge in the last week have, at the very least, been playable (or watchable). And man, can some people use the music sequencer or what? Special props, once again, to user "jjmac13", whose rendition of the classic Dr. Wily Stage 1 tune we're gladly using in our level - and which also inspired us to begin working on it.

LittleBigRetroShooter. Awesome.
The thing with Trophies is that a base retail has an undefined limit to them - currently, the record is 57, set by Heavy Rain. LittleBigPlanet 2 has 47 of them, but in addition, it has Pins, also unlocked by certain achievements. Every Trophy unlocks a Pin in LittleBigPlanet 2, but there are hundreds more of them than just those that have a corresponding Trophy. These Pins are meant exclusively to raise the player's spirit, and what you consider your three best Pins can be attached to your profile avatar within the LittleBigPlanet community, to show off your skill level and experience with the franchise to other players. There seems to be no end to these Pins and it's always comforting to hear that cue whenever you've unlocked one. Not quite as great as gaining a Trophy, but nice.

I'm ending this review rather quick. Why? Because we have work to do, damn it! The level's almost done and we've not even started to discuss the mechanics of the Mecha Dragon! I don't have PlayStation Move, I don't have PlayStation Eye, but even without their features which are considered essential by some, I consider LittleBigPlanet 2 to be the most captivating and best experience I've had on the PlayStation 3 yet. LittleBigPlanet 2 is a bigger, better, and even more lasting version of the killer app that its predecessor was. It's unbelievable how they could improve the basics by such a great deal, I simply don't believe it can be done again. So, for now I can't foresee the release of a LittleBigPlanet 3. But, since this game was released, and it turned out this good, I think I'd better quit doubting Media Molecule's imagination and talent.

Graphics : 9.8
Sound : 9.2
Playability : 9.7
Challenge : 9.3
Overall : 9.6


Trivia

GameRankings: 93.22%

The events take place in Craftworld. Craftworld was the working title of the first LittleBigPlanet game.

All retail versions of the game include the free PSN game Sackboy's Prehistoric Moves, which was developed by Media Molecule in 2010 to test and demonstrate PlayStation Move in a LittleBigPlanet environment.

lauantai 22. tammikuuta 2011

REVIEW - LittleBigPlanet (2008)

Genre(s): Platform
Released: 2008
Available on: PS3, PSP
Developer(s): Media Molecule
Publisher(s): Sony Computer Entertainment
Players: 1-4

Let's establish some sort of a timeline. 1985: Super Mario Bros. is released, the phenomenon of the 2D platformer is born. 1996: 2D platformer is killed off, first by Naughty Dog's Crash Bandicoot for the Sony PlayStation. Then, Mario goes all 3D. 1998: Sony caps the deal with the release of Spyro the Dragon. 2D is commercially done. Cult franchises such as Castlevania, Mega Man and Oddworld are the last to uphold the magic of 2D, but the main weight is placed on different elements than basic platforming. 2005: Mark Healey, Alex Evans, Dave Smith and Kareem Ettouney leave Lionhead Studios and create an independent PC game entitled Rag Doll Kung Fu. The game becomes a huge hit on Steam and a reworked version of the game, subtitled Fists of Plastic, is soon in development exclusively for the PlayStation 3. 2006: the four men establish Media Molecule, a company that works on very simple principles - small company, small budget, big profit. They begin work on a game called Craftworld. 2007: Media Molecule announces "The Next Big Thing", previously known as Craftworld, which turns out to be a 2D platformer. In time, the title of the game takes the form of LittleBigPlanet. Following their guideline, the company keeps costs at an absolute minimum and to prolong the game's lifespan, they create an extensive level editor, the kind of which has never seen before. In all of its unique simplicity, LittleBigPlanet arguably becomes Sony's first real flagship title on the PS3, and one of the best games ever made.

The pain of creation

STARRING
Stephen Fry : Narrator

On LittleBigPlanet, everything is based on the creating and sharing. This planet of endless imagination was created by gifted individuals called Creator Curators. They made everything on it, all the way from the clouds to the trees. The delicate balance of LittleBigPlanet is shaken when a mischeavous outcast Curator calling himself the Collector robs the world's finest of their creations and keeps them all to himself. Without creating and sharing, the world is in chaos. It's up to an adorable adventurer made out of sackcloth to make things right again all around LittleBigPlanet.

I believe it was in October 2008, when I first really paid attention to the development of LittleBigPlanet. I had only heard the name of the game and I thought it was something along the lines of Katamari or a traditional platformer, just one that had Sony backing it up, which would've explained the hype. It was at that time I saw the first trailers and gameplay videos. I was so impressed by the game's visual style that I immediately fell in love with it. I had to know every detail about the game, and I just had to have it. Dead Space had just come out, and when my sister asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I immediately gave her a choice between two games: LittleBigPlanet and Dead Space. As I pretty much imagined, since she is a total naysayer when it comes to even fictional violence, she abandoned the mere thought of buying Dead Space when she saw the box art and bought me the much, much cuter LittleBigPlanet. I must say I'm more than pleased with her decision. Not only since I (much) later bought a brand new copy of Dead Space at the price of €9.90, while LittleBigPlanet was still around €29.90 at the time, but because LittleBigPlanet is simply one of my favourite games in history - and my history with video games is long and fruitful. Why? I'll give you the details in just a moment - but the main thing is, that LittleBigPlanet is a game that never ends. Or at least it was, before its sequel came along - but let me tell you that even the existence of LittleBigPlanet 2 and all of its new possibilities don't erase the appeal of the wacky story mode.

LittleBigPlanet is full of curious beings... curioser,
curioser...
The graphics of the game are stunning, and what's even more stunning is the very visual style of it. LittleBigPlanet looks like a working combination of cut-out animation, Wallace & Gromit, a Tim Burton flick and a touch of some completely original British surreality. You can customize the playfield and your personal space in your pod just about any way you like, with just about every item you find. You can change in and out of thousands of different costume combinations in the fashion of a dress-up game. You can combine generic stickers to create your own custom symbols, create all kinds of abominations with tools, mechanics and items - there's very little that the game won't allow you to even try to customize the visual side of your gameplay experience.

The music of the game is best described as "catchy elevator music". It's mostly alternative pop, meant to annoy the hell out of people who take things way too seriously, and inject everyone else with a dose of positive energy. The last world's theme is awesome in the core sense of the word; it's notably different from all the others, as it is a very melodic instrumental, decorated with an underlying, heavy guitar riff that is sure to please those into harder stuff. The level editor allows you to totally remix these songs yourself - for example, you can strip the aforementioned tune of everything except the guitar riff and the main melody. The way the game lets you tinker even with the music like this is amazing.

There is no voiceover work - all the "spoken dialogue" is complete gibberish - all communication in the game is text-based. However, there's a narrator guiding you every step of the way, from the story to level editing. In the original British version, it's none other than Stephen "Jeeves" Fry who shows you the ropes. I haven't played the original version; in the Finnish version, Mr. Fry is replaced by a Finnish actor with an equally distinct and pleasant voice (Eero Saarinen). I'm guessing it's the same thing in all countries that have their own audio patch. However, I'm very familiar with Mr. Fry's work and I'm sure he does a fabulous job as the dryish but extremely pleasant narrator and tutor of the game.

To the casual player, LittleBigPlanet is a cute, simplified platformer wholly based on the laws of completely natural physics, in which you gather points and all kinds of stuff ranging from sound clips to tools to stickers to machines to mechanisms needed to work those machines. And of course, clothes for your initially naked little sackperson. Everything imaginable. There are eight different worlds - though I like to call them scenarios - in which there are several different stages. Most of them are normal platforming stages with a beginning and an end, and a few puzzles in between, but finding special keys in these stages unlocks score challenges, in which your aim is - surprise, surprise - to get a high score. There are two kinds of score challenges: races and endless challenges, which will end only in the untimely case of your Sackboy/girl's death.

An angry bride on the loose. On a huge, fiery
skullwagon.
What makes LittleBigPlanet as a casual experience special, then? Well, in these times when everything gets more and more complicated, it's always cool when a franchise comes along and strips away all the BS from its genre. First, it was Naughty Dog's action-packed epic Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - very simple controls, very straightforward, BUT an amazing game. Well, there are a total of four (4) buttons you absolutely need to conquer LittleBigPlanet, besides the left analog stick of course, you wise-ass monkey: the X button, square, circle, and the R1 button. It's no surprise that the X is used for jumping, while R1 is used for grabbing. Square and circle are used for opening the Pop-It menu and cancelling actions in and out of it, respectively. That's it, that's all you need - everything else is extra. You can control your character's emotions with the digital pad, from angry to frightened, sad to happy, and make him dance or nod his head with the Sixaxis.

LittleBigPlanet incorporates an undefined physics engine that's basically out of this world when it comes to even any game running on Havok. Every move you make is real, although many people have complained about the jumps in the whole franchise being kinda "floaty". Well, your character is very light, so he's expected to have a ton of hangtime. It's a problem in certain situations, but it's definitely a problem that you can easily cope with. Physical factors such as weight, length and gravity have an effect on everything you do and everything that's going on around you in LittleBigPlanet. The importance of physics allows the inclusion of some fiendish puzzles and simple logic, and parts of levels where more is indeed merrier.

The mere possibility of up to four players being able to play any level together, either online or locally, is a quite unique one. However, every rose has its thorn. Local players all need to be on the same skill level, or else you're doomed. I know you're thinking of how could a simple game like LittleBigPlanet possibly require a skill level, but falling behind of the group results in that player's death, and it's been proven that some people just don't understand physical laws. They keep jumbling, no matter how much you scold them. And the more you scold them, the angrier they get with you and the game, and they start jumbling on purpose or irreverently slapping your character around (yeah, that's possible too). Playing online is pretty much hopeless. The net is full of idiots, and ironically, not one but two of the Trophies require you to go online and beat a level with four players, one with your friends, and one with strangers. The friend thing I could handle, but there's only one guy besides me that really plays LittleBigPlanet (three who own it), so that's a no-go. I tried with strangers, once. We were playing the first stage in the Canyons, in which you have to bust that one guy out of prison and then dig an underground tunnel by using bombs. Everything was going awesomely until we had busted through the tunnel. This one fucking idiot started dropping the same bombs on everyone, and then blew himself up to effectively end the game - we were like five seconds away from the scoreboard and I believe there would've been at least one player besides me who just wanted that damn Bronze trinket to get it out of the way. This was in early 2010, when you really had to go out of your way to find a proper amount of players on the servers anyway.

I'm also annoyed by the different, optional parts of standard levels that need two to four players to be conquered. Locally, it's a shoutfest. Someone doesn't understand - and don't get me wrong, I myself might not understand what I'm supposed to do or how things work from a physical point of view - and your friend, who thinks the answer is so God damn obvious, berates you and questions your intelligence whenever you don't do everything EXACTLY like he says, or if you jumble the smallest thing up by complete accident. Playing online, it's pretty much impossible to do the parts that are actually puzzles instead of something simple like "here are four buttons, you have four players, so...?", if you don't have someone in your group that can quickly and easily explain the puzzle to others by using the text chat.

Men at work. They come from the land down
under.
If you're wondering what's left after you've conquered the story, take a look at the community from the main menu and you'll find thousands if not hundreds of thousands, of different levels created by users, with the very same items found scattered all around the story. These levels are exactly why people like me keep proclaiming that LittleBigPlanet is a game that never ends. Yeah, I do concur that a lot of the stuff available in the LBP community is total crap. There are empty levels exclusively meant to tally up your "Share" count - which means you'll get a Gold Trophy by beating a set amount of community levels. There's a simple, ugly level called "SPIKES :)"with the entrance, one small stretch of spikes, the scoreboard and a piece of dialogue saying "I know this level sucked, but would you still heart me, plz?! H4H! Heart for heart!" More like fart for fart. Once again, Trophy Whores in action. But, there are those with skill, with so much skill and dedication to their user-generated content, that they could easily work for Media Molecule. There's a wide array of options and you can easily mark (heart) these users as your favourites, then keep playing whatever kind of awesome levels they come up with and forget about everyone else making levels just for the sake of gaining Trophies. They don't even have to be that complicated or fancy: props to user "AlastorsFury" and his awesome Super Happy Sunshine Land, which is the first community level I ever played and still one of the best - it sure as hell ain't fancy, but it is funny in a very dark way, I love it!

The level editor sure ain't for the meek. It's simple and the basic stuff is very easy to learn, but it is difficult and very time consuming to get everything to work and look just the way you want it to - there's so much to take into account when you're building even a simple obstacle of your own. Many different tools can be used for similar purposes, which is why I don't understand why Media Molecule had to clutter up the already too long and complicated list of tools and items with stuff that no user has had any use for to this date.

A screenshot from the Pirates of the Caribbean
DLC, which apparently sold quite poorly
despite its great quality and additional
Trophies.
The story is a (exceptionally entertaining) tutorial on how things work on LittleBigPlanet, and there so that you can have a good time in a very basic platformer, and collect items for yourself to use in the level editor at the same time. It's not that hard - although some levels in the later worlds will most likely have many players pulling their teeth out. The real challenge is in entertaining the rest of the LittleBigPlanet community and building yourself a decent reputation among it with levels of your own, be they any sort of levels. LittleBigPlanet's Trophies, however, are very challenging. If you want to plat the game, you need to forget your fears about online playing and co-op in general, and of course, make good levels - no one wants to heart a Whore, except another one, of course. In addition, you need to survive every level in the game without dying and find each and every prize bubble to plat LittleBigPlanet. With all of its better community levels and Media Molecule's unique style present in the story, and of course the essential DLC that has introduced additional features such as real water (Pirates of the Caribbean Level Kit) and the paint gun (Metal Gear Solid Level Kit), LittleBigPlanet is a game that was built to last.

LittleBigPlanet 2 might've come along to bring even more depth into every aspect of the LittleBigPlanet brand, but the first game is still very entertaining and one of the best games on the PlayStation 3. If you own the black stallion and are yet to experience the unique magic of perhaps its greatest exclusive title, I suggest you get off your ass to the nearest retailer and get the game - it's very cheap nowadays.

Graphics : 9.6
Sound : 8.7
Playability : 9.5
Challenge : 9.0
Overall : 9.4

Trivia

GameRankings: 94.67% (PS3), 94.57% (PS3 [GOTY]), 87.55% (PSP)

The Game of the Year Edition of LittleBigPlanet was released in September, 2009. This version includes a great deal of previously released downloadable content (including the Metal Gear Solid Level Kit), as well as 18 exclusive levels made by players - handpicked by Media Molecule.